


Death Wishes

by goldtrashpete



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Cigarettes, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtrashpete/pseuds/goldtrashpete
Summary: Frank has had a shitty life. He doesn’t really have anyone or anything except an addiction to cigarettes and suicidal tendencies. He doesn’t really know what it’s like to /want/ to live. His life changes when he meets Gerard who just wants to help. This is a sad story about the hardships of life. It will only disappoint you. Also they have sex, of course.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. The Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so I wrote this story about three or four years ago when I was going through something very very dark. Seeing as MCR is coming back, and I am in a much better place, I decided to finish my story. If anyone who is reading this is feeling this way, just know that you can ask for help. Therapy helps and meds can help. Please don’t continue to let yourself feel this way, trust me, it’ll only get worse if you don’t get help. Also now that I’m older, I probably would’ve taken the sex scenes out. You don’t really need sex for the fanfiction tbh, so you can skip the sex (nothing important happens during the sex scenes so you can safely skip it) if you want to, or you can read it. Whatever you want. Hopefully you enjoy this story, thank you so much for reading it. Also please let me know what you think! I barred my heart and soul in this story.

Ever have that feeling that you’re trapped? Stuck to the spot, unable to move, unable to breathe. Time isn’t standing still or some bullshit like movies try to sell. No, everything around you is moving. Everyone is going on with their day like normal. But not you. You’re stuck, nailed to the fucking ground. 

You know that feeling? Well that’s how Frank felt. Every goddamn day of his life. He was always stuck; he was always trapped. It made him feel like shit at every possible moment of the day. It made it feel like he was suffocating, like he couldn’t fucking breathe.

Frank was so goddamn tired of feeling trapped. He honestly didn’t even think it was worth it. Life wasn’t worth it. The feeling trapped, the not being able to breath. It was just all too goddamn much. And that’s what he was contemplating as he sat, perched on the top of a twelve story building in the middle of the city.

It was nighttime, his feet dangled off the edge of the building. He kicked them as he looked down, feeling his heels knock against the cold concrete. The city looked so peaceful from up there, it was amazing to think that there was so much hurt and pain going on down there.

He thought about jumping. Just ending it all right there. He wondered if he would be scared. If the wind would feel good against his skin. 

He leaned back, pulling his feet up underneath himself. He carefully lifted himself to his feet, shaking a bit as the wind shifted. He held his arms out from his sides to balance himself as he looked across the horizon. The moon was so bright, it fascinated Frank. He stared out at it for a while, getting lost in its light and wondering how peaceful it was out there.

Suddenly the sounds of laughter bounced off the buildings. Frank looked down to see a family walking across the street. There were two young girls playing with each other. A young mother followed closely behind. Frank watched them for a bit, listening to their laughter as they walked down the street. 

Eventually they turned a corner, disappearing behind the side of a building so that he couldn’t see them anymore. Frank let out a deep breath as a strong wind brushed his hair aside. He turned carefully on the edge of the building and hopped off the edge onto the roof.

Frank wanted to die. But tonight wasn’t the night.

**\--------------------------2**

He woke up the next morning with a jolt, panting heavily, and completely covered in sweat. Nightmares. Again. He didn’t remember what the dream had been about, he just knew it fucking sucked. That was the reason he barely ever slept. Fucking nightmares. He’d choose insomnia over them any day.

Frank glanced around his room. Nothing was out of place, everything was the same as usual. Everything was always the same as fucking usual. 

Cigarette. He needed a fucking cigarette.

There was a rule in his apartment complex, a no smoking rule. Of course, he didn’t follow that. He didn’t have time to deal with bullshit rules, let alone the time to get dressed enough to go stand out in the fucking cold for a half hour. The rule wasn’t strict anyway, none of the rules here were strict. That’s why he liked it here. That’s why he had chosen to live here.

He climbed out of his bed and moved across the room, collapsing onto the couch. He reached forward to grab his pack of Eagle’s from the coffee table, lighting one. He took a drag, closing his eyes as the familiar burn of nicotine filled his throat. If there was anything good in this world, it was fucking cigarettes. 

Frank’s phone started ringing. He took a long drag from his cigarette before answering. “What the hell do you want?” He spoke softly but sharply.

“Frankie! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for fucking ever, man.” Bob’s annoying voice came across the line, making Frank regret ever picking up. “How’ve you been, dude?”

Frank took another drag of his cigarette, taking his sweet time answering. “I’m still alive. Take that how you will.” He replied in a deadpan voice.

“Awesome.” Bob continued without a beat. Frank seriously just wanted to hang up on the guy. He didn’t even understand why Bob was always fucking calling him. “You wanna go out tonight, man? Get shitfaced?”

“Oh you have no fucking clue how much I want to get shitfaced, Bob.” Frank started. “But, I can’t tonight. I have to work.” For once in his life, he was actually happy to have been scheduled such a shitty shift.

“Fuck work, man! Just ditch, come out with me.” Bob screamed back across the line. Frank resisted the urge to say yes to him just so he would have the opportunity to beat the shit out of him. The guy was huge, he’d just end up beating Frank’s face in. But that wasn’t exactly a deal breaker. He was a sucker for hopeless situation.

But he shook his head, clearing the idea from his mind. Frank needed to work tonight, he needed the pay. “Sorry, no can do, Bob. You’ll have to find someone else to get shitfaced with.”

“Aw, fuck you, man. You suck.” The line died after that and Frank slammed his phone back on the table. He hated that fucking guy, he didn’t understand why he kept calling him. He’d met him one time at some dumb party he’d been dragged to in high school. He’d latched onto Frank and hadn’t let go since. 

“Fucking asshole.” Frank muttered under his breath and finished his cigarette. If he had a choice, he’d just stay in his apartment all day. But he had shit to do, unfortunately, so he got up and unwillingly got dressed and ready to leave. 

**\----------------------3**

Work was boring as always. The gas station wasn’t busy, seeing as it was about negative ten million degrees outside. He judged pretty much anyone who walked in that door. Anyone who’d decided it was worth it to go outside in this cold was a fucking moron. 

“Take your break, Frank.” His coworker, Ray, said as he walked behind the counter. Frank nodded in reply as he finished ringing up his customer. He walked to the break room, grabbing his coat from his locker and pulling it on.

He was in need of a smoke, so he walked out the back door into the cold. He pulled his pack out of his coat pocket, quickly pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. He was already regretting going out to smoke, he was pretty sure he already had frostbite on his nose.

Frank was only halfway through his cigarette when he suddenly heard a woman’s scream come from inside the gas station. Follow by a loud pop. No, that wasn’t just a pop. That was a gun shot. A fucking gunshot.

Frank dropped his cigarette to the ground, stomping on it before heading back into the building. He made his way through the break room, pressing against the wall next to the door to the front of the store so he could hide while looking into the room. There was a man with a black ski mask on, he was holding a gun to Ray. The rest of the gas station looked pretty empty except for a girl in back by the soda that was down on her knees, along with a dark haired guy that looked around Frank’s age on the other side of the store.

Frank hesitated, trying to figure out what he should do. He slowly walked out into the store, holding his hands up in surrender as he moved closer to Ray and the man in the ski mask. The robber saw him once he got close and instantly turned the gun towards him.

“Stay back, fucker!” The robber screamed at him, his hand holding the gun was shaking the tiniest bit. He was nervous.

“It’s all good, dude. It’s okay.” Frank said calmly, walking closer to him, even more slowly than before. Ray had been pulling all of the money from the cash register into a bag, but his hands had stilled as he watched with fearful eyes as Frank moved closer to the robber.

“I said stay the fuck back!” The robber screamed, his hand shaking even more.

“What are you going to do? Shoot me?” Frank yelled back, moving so close to him that the front of the gun was pressed against his chest. The gun shook against his skin. “Go ahead, motherfucker. I’m not afraid to die.” He could see the dark haired guy that had been stuck in the gas station with him. He was hunched down in one of the aisles, he was watching everything. But there wasn’t terror in his eyes like Frank expected. No, there was sadness.

The robber’s hand shook more, making the gun shake again against Frank’s skin, causing him to look away from the dark haired man and back to the robber. Frank’s heart was beating fast, filled with adrenaline. He had thought a lot in the past about how he was going to die, how he’d prefer to die, what would be the worst ways to die. He had to admit, being shot in the chest while fighting off a robber wasn’t such a bad way to go. People might actually know his name for a week before they moved onto another story of war and death.

“Shoot me!” Frank yelled, a small grin spreading across his lips. The robber’s hand was shaking more than ever now. What a fucking coward. Why wouldn’t he just do it?

He didn’t get the chance, because right at that moment sirens sounded and two cops ran into the gas station. Ray must have found a way to call the cops. Within ten minutes, the robber was in the back of a cop car in handcuffs and Frank was being ordered to head home by Ray.

Frank pulled on his jacket as he walked out the door, turning his gaze to the robber sitting in the back of the cop car. He didn’t have a mask on now, he just looked like a normal guy. He actually looked scared. The guy looked how Frank should have felt after that, but he just felt nothing.

“Hey!” Frank heard an unfamiliar voice calling from behind him. He turned to see the dark haired guy, the guy who had been stuck in there with him.

“Hey, guy.” Frank replied raising a hand in a sad attempt at a wave. He turned away again, continuing to walk down the street towards his place.

“Wait, stop!” The guy said, catching up with him. Frank didn’t stop walking, not really wanting to talk to anyone. But the guy didn’t stop either. “What you did in there…it was really—“

“—heroic?” Frank interrupted sarcastically. “Was it amazing? Am I your fucking hero?”

“I was about to say it was fucking stupid, actually.” The guy replied, still keeping up with his pace. Frank halted, surprised by his words. He looked over at the guy.

“Stupid, huh?” He flashed a grin.

“Yeah, stupid.” The guy replied. “You have a death wish or something?”

“Something like that.” Frank shrugged and started walking again, the guy quickly following him. 

“Name’s Gerard.” He said, holding out a hand. Frank took a deep breath and stopped walking again to shake his hand.

“Frank.” He replied in a tired voice. He gave Gerard a once over. The guy was pretty hot, if he did say so himself. He was dressed in all black with a leather jacket. Frank didn’t really see himself as someone who had a type, but this Gerard guy was definitely it if he had one.

“I’d say it’s a pleasure. But I’ve met people in better circumstances.” Gerard said with a small smile, letting out a short laugh. Frank grinned and laughed a bit in reply. There was something about this guy, something he definitely liked.

**\-----------------4**

Frank didn’t sleep that much that night. It wasn’t that he’d been scared because of the robber or because he’d been face to face with death. He just wasn’t tired. He was somehow never tired and always exhausted all at the same time. That was just how life worked for him.

He’d finally passed out on his couch around 8am the next morning, but it didn’t last long. About an hour after that his phone started ringing, causing him to jolt awake. That’s usually how he tended to wake up either way. 

“This better be fucking important.” Frank said into his phone after finally answering it.

“Frank, it’s Ray.” Ray was one of the few people in the world that Frank actually somewhat liked. The guy seemed pretty cool and he never got into Frank’s business. That automatically gave him a good grade in Frank’s book. It helped, seeing as Ray was the manager of the gas station and technically his boss, even though he pretty much let Frank do whatever the hell he wanted to.

“Hey, what’s up?” Frank replied in a haze, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up a bit. He glanced at the clock. His shift started in an hour.

“Don’t come into work today.” Or at least Frank thought his shift started in an hour.

“What? Why the hell not?” He replied as he glanced around the room in search of his pack of cigarettes, his morning craving coming on.

“You need a day off. Especially after yesterday.” Ray replied in a quiet tone. Frank knew that tone, that was pity. It pissed him off. He wasn’t a charity case, he didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for him. 

“No, fuck that. I’m fine, Ray. I don’t need a day off.” Frank said as he finally found his pack underneath the couch. 

“It’s not an offer, Frank. It’s an order. Stay home, get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Ray replied in a serious tone, hanging up before Frank could even try to argue.

“What the fuck ever.” Frank muttered under his breath and opened his pack. Fuck. He was out of fucking cigarettes. He suddenly remembered that he was planning on picking some up today. At fucking work. He let out a frustrated groan and then got up to get dressed.

About an hour later he was walking out of the convenience store with three packs in his coat pocket. Normally he only bought two, but if Ray was going to keep taking hours away from him, he was going to have to stock up. 

Frank pulled out one of the packs, leaning against the cool bricks that lined the siding of the building. He pulled out his favorite lighter from his other pocket, lighting his cigarette and taking a drag from it. The lighter had this awesome drawing of a skull on it, he’d found it in an old abandoned building he’d broken into a few years back. Kept it ever since.

“Those things will kill you, you know.” A familiar voice said as Frank took a second drag from his smoke. Frank glanced up, it was that guy from the gas station. Gerard.

“I’m counting on it.” Frank replied, flicking his bud and making ash fall at his feet. He couldn’t exactly explain the feeling, but he thought he might actually be happy to see this guy again.

Gerard just watched him in silence for a while as Frank continued smoking. At first he found it kind of hot, but after a few minutes of silence from the guy, it was getting kind of creepy.

“Do you need something?” Frank snapped. There were a lot of things in the world that made him uncomfortable, but silence was the fucking worst of them. Quiet was goddamn violent to him. 

Gerard’s lips fell into a frown. “No, I just…” He hesitated, still staring at Frank with that curious gaze of his. “I don’t know what I was doing.” He settled on, finally dropping his eyes from Frank, instead staring at his feet which he shifted uncomfortably on.

Frank let out a deep sigh, cursing himself for being such a fucking asshole. He really didn’t have anything against this guy, he just really fucking hated being stared at. “Sorry, Gee, I’m just a dick.”

Gerard glanced back up at him, a tiny look of amazement in his eyes. “Did you just call me Gee?” He was doing that staring thing again.

“Yeah, I did.” Frank said, clearing his throat as he dropped his now finished cigarette bud to the ground and stomped on it. “You wanna get some coffee?” He said, suddenly feeling the need of caffeine. 

Gerard stared at him some more in silence, obviously wanting more of an explanation for Frank’s new nickname for him. But Frank wasn’t one for explaining everything he did, so he wasn’t about to just offer up that information. Gerard kept his silent gaze for a few more moments, almost making Frank angry again, and then nodded.


	2. Special Occasions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You wanna drag?” Frank said, reaching his hand over a bit towards him, offering him his cigarette, but not looking over to meet his eye. Gerard just stared at him for a moment before taking the bud from his fingers. “Thought you didn’t smoke?” Frank said, turning to grin at him.
> 
> Gerard took a long drag, waiting until he had blown out all smoke before speaking again. “I smoke on occasion.” He corrected.
> 
> Frank grinned, taking the cigarette back from him and taking a drag from it. “Well fuck, don’t I feel like special.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA there is a sex scene in this, skip if you would like!

**\-----------------5**

“So do you have a job? Or do you just follow around guys you met in gas station robberies.” Frank said twenty minutes later as he sat across the table from Gerard in his favorite coffee shop.

Gerard laughed softly and smiled a lopsided grin that actually made Frank smile a bit in return. “No, I work at a record store down the street.”

Frank’s eyes grew wide. “Unholy Records?” He said, incredulously. “You work at fucking Unholy Records?” 

Gerard raised an eyebrow at him, but a small grin spread across his face. “Yeah. I’m guessing you’ve been?”

“Fuck yeah I’ve been.” Frank replied, smiling wide at him from across the table. “That’s my favorite record store. Place is fucking amazing.” Of course the guy had to work at the greatest fucking place on earth while Frank was stuck working at the worst. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. Just got some new stuff in, you should come check it out sometime…” He hesitated a bit, looking down at his coffee, before glancing up at Frank from behind his dark bangs that were falling down in front of his face. “Maybe sometime when I’m there?”

Frank’s grin grew wider. Was it just him, or was this guy definitely hitting on him. “Sounds like a plan, Gee.” He replied, watching as Gerard glanced up at him at the mention of his nickname. “You working today?” Frank said before drinking the last bit of his coffee.

Gerard shook his head in reply. “Don’t work until tomorrow. It’s my day off.”

Frank feigned a devastated frown, leaning back into his seat and crossing his arms across his chest. “Aw, too bad for me.”

Gerard nodded, watching him cautiously from across the table. “Yeah, me too. Especially cause I have nothing to do today.”

Frank’s frown twisted into a wide grin as he leaned forward, uncrossing his arms to rest them on the table in front of him. “You want something to keep yourself busy?” Gerard looked nervously at him for a bit, but after a few seconds a small smile started to play at his lips and he nodded in reply.

**\--------------------6**

“Fuck, Frank, your music collection is amazing.” Gerard said about a half an hour later in Frank’s apartment as he crouched over his boxes full of records and cds. It’d taken him a long, hard time to collect all of that music. It was one of the few things he was proud of in his life. He also didn’t mind the view he was getting of Gerard’s ass as he watched from the couch.

“Put something on, if you like.” Frank said, as he pulled a cigarette out of the pack, pausing to light it before asking. “Mind if I smoke?”

Gerard turned to shake his head before looking back and pulling out a vinyl of his choice. Frank watched him move gracefully across the room to where his record player sat, slipping the vinyl out of its sleeve and placing it onto the player. All with extremely careful and steady hands, like he was handling a masterpiece. Frank wasn’t going to lie, that fucking turned him on. If there was anything good in this fucking world, it was music. To see someone else treat it the same way wasn’t just refreshing, it was a fucking miracle.

It was silent for a moment except for some fuzz from Frank’s speakers as the record started to spin, then the music started and he instantly recognized what Gerard had chosen. “The Cure. Classic.”

Gerard turned, grinning at him as he slid his hands into his jean pockets. He stood awkwardly across the room from Frank. Frank waited for a bit, hoping he’d get the hint and come over to him. But, alas, the guy was obviously hopelessly clueless. 

Frank rolled his eyes and spoke. “Come over here, Gee.” Patting the seat next to him on the couch and grinning up at him.

Gerard hesitated for a moment, before moving over to the couch and settling down in the seat next to Frank. There was about a foot between the two of them, but Frank could practically feel static. He knew what he wanted from this, and he was going to get it, he always did.

He watched Gerard silently as they both listened to the music, but Frank wasn’t really paying much attention to it. His attention was solely focused on Gerard. Frank watched him as he listened intently to the song. He watched as he slowly closed his eyes, leaning his head back on the couch. He looked like he was in total bliss. 

Frank slid over towards him on the couch, closing the distance behind them. Gerard’s eyes didn’t open to show any indication that he knew that he was there, but Frank watched the once steady rise and fall of his chest start to pick up as his breathing did.

Frank reached his hand over Gerard's thigh, slowly running his hand across his leg until his got to his crotch. He softly grabbed onto Gerard’s dick through his jeans, starting to stroke it through the fabric. He was fucking hard. Gerard gasped and let out a small, pathetic whine. That just turned on Frank more. 

Frank moved his hand for only a moment to unbutton Gerard’s jeans, followed by unzipping them, before slipping his hand underneath his underwear to wrap his hand around Gerard’s dick. Gerard let out a louder whine, but this time it was a desperate one, and Frank started to jerk him off. 

“Fuck, Frank.” Gerard panted out, his eyes still closed. Frank stroked him for a moment more until he was satisfied, then moved his hand from his jeans to move off of the couch and onto his knees in front of Gerard. Frank reached forward grabbing onto Gerard’s jeans and pulled them down to his ankles along with his underwear.

That made Gerard’s eyes open. He looked down at Frank with nervous, desperate eyes. Frank flashed a wicked grin at him before wrapping a hand around the base of his dick and sliding his tongue over the head. Gerard’s head dropped back onto the couch with a soft thud as he let out a low moan, practically driving Frank crazy. 

Frank moved slowly at first, taking the head of Gerard’s dick into his mouth. Sucking gently on it while he continued to stroke him with his hand. Gerard wriggled underneath him, letting out a few whines here and there. Then when Frank was satisfied, he lowered himself onto him, opening his mouth wide and taking his entire dick until his lips met his hand. 

“Fuck” Gerard let out a louder moan, shaking beneath Frank as he started rubbing his tongue along the bottom of his dick. He let out another moan that was almost a scream, grabbing onto a fistful of Frank’s hair, and came, flooding into his mouth. Frank pulled off, resting back against his coffee table as he swallowed. 

Gerard’s body was limp on the couch, besides for the shaking from his chest as he panted. Frank grinned at the mess he’d turned Gerard into and got up to collapse onto the couch next to him. He watched him for a bit before realizing he’d never smoked that cigarette he’d taken out earlier and lit it as he waited for Gerard to regain his composure.

After a few minutes, Gerard’s breathing was relatively normal again and his pants were pulled back on. He looked over at Frank, who was already on his second cigarette. 

“You wanna drag?” Frank said, reaching his hand over a bit towards him, offering him his cigarette, but not looking over to meet his eye. Gerard just stared at him for a moment before taking the bud from his fingers. “Thought you didn’t smoke?” Frank said, turning to grin at him.

Gerard took a long drag, waiting until he had blown out all smoke before speaking again. “I smoke on occasion.” He corrected.

Frank grinned, taking the cigarette back from him and taking a drag from it. “Well fuck, don’t I feel like special.”

**\---------------------7**

The next few days passed by slowly as fucking possible for Frank. He’d had a few excited days, what with the robbery and Gerard suddenly being in his life. But now he was being pulled back into that shitty, suffocating darkness called reality. It was going to fucking kill him, at least if he didn’t get there first.

He hadn’t talked to Gerard since that day, he honestly didn’t care. He didn’t have time to worry about some guy, it’s not like he had fucking feelings for him or anything. Frank didn’t do feelings, didn’t have time to play that game. But he couldn’t deny that he had an annoying itch that only that beautiful dark haired boy could scratch.

So when he glanced out his window late Monday night and noticed Gerard standing nervously outside his apartment complex, he definitely couldn’t say he wasn’t happy to see him. 

He was just standing out there, shifting around on his feet nervously. Frank watched him for a while, curious to see what he would do. He kept taking a step towards the building entrance as if he was going to come in, then he would just stop and go back to standing there nervously. Frank grinned to himself as he watched, pleased that he had such an effect on such a beautiful head. He watched him for a few moments longer before opening the window and leaning out of it to call down to him.

“You waiting for something, gorgeous?” Gerard’s head snapped up at the sound of his voice. His cheeks flushed when he saw Frank.

“I…” Gerard started, but hesitated. “I haven’t actually decided.”

Frank flashed a grin at him. “Stay where you are.” He leaned back from the window, closing it and quickly pulling on his coat and shoes before heading downstairs and out of the building. Gerard still had that nervous look on his face, Frank was starting to get worried it might get stuck on there.

Frank just walked past him, giving him a wink and a small wave, motioning him to follow. Gerard complied instantly, following him as he headed down the street, having to catch up with him. 

They stayed silent for the most part as they walked, the only sound was the occasional clearing of Gerard’s throat. That was obviously a nervous habit, and for some reason Frank took great pleasure in knowing how nervous he made Gerard feel. 

“Where are we going?” Gerard said nervously as they headed further away from the city towards a small patch of trees. 

“Patience is a virtue, or whatever the fuck they say.” Frank replied as they walked through the trees, to see an opening that lead to a large field.

In the dark, there wasn’t much to see in the big field. Actually, even in the light there wasn’t anything important or special about this field that Frank had led Gerard too. All that was there was a set of train tracks, which is precisely where Frank was headed.

Gerard fell behind a bit, slowing his pace as he glanced nervously around. Frank noticed, but honestly didn’t care. He walked up to the train tracks, taking a moment to turn and grin back at Gerard. Gerard half smiled back at him, watching him with a confused look on his face. Frank turned back and laid down right on the train tracks. The metal was freezing against his skin, but it felt good to him. 

“What are you doing, Frank?” Gerard asked, moving slowly towards him.

Frank lifted his head to look at him. “Come join me, Gee.” He said, smiling widely and patting the railing next to him.

Gerard shook his head nervously. “I don’t know about that.”

Frank sighed, letting his head fall back onto the railing. “Your loss.”

There was a moment of silence, followed by a frustrated sigh. Then Gerard was lying down next to Frank with an annoyed look on his face. Frank just looked at him and grinned. They laid there for a while in silence, just staring up at the sky. This was the only place around that the stars were this bright; the city lights usually blocked them out. It used to be his favorite place to go as a kid; the stars always put him at ease. But not anymore, he was all grown up now and far too fucked up to be calmed by a few exploding balls of gas in space.

A train whistle sounded from down the tracks, and Frank could feel the rumble of the train on the tracks beneath him. Gerard instantly stood up, like most people would, but Frank just stayed where he was. He closed his eyes, listening intently to the sound of the train as it moved closer to them.

“Frank, come on. Train’s coming.” Gerard said with the smallest hint of fear in his voice. Frank just stayed where he was, not even giving him a reply. Gerard stayed silent for a few moments until the train whistle sounded again. It was getting really close now. Frank grinned to himself.

“Frank!” Gerard yelled down at him. “What the fuck, get up!” But once again Frank just stayed where he was, feeling the tracks shake and vibrate beneath him as the train moved even closer. 

He kept hearing Gerard screaming at him to move, but he blocked it all out, focusing only on the sound and rumble of the train. He listened to how it moved in perfect harmony, creating a rhythm with all its gears as it moved closer and closer to him. It was really close to him now, he could tell because everything was suddenly bright behind his eyelids and everything was loud. He didn’t even have to sound out Gerard’s voice anymore, he couldn’t hear it.

Then suddenly, he was being yanked up from the tracks and thrown on the grass. Frank tore his eyes open and pulled himself back onto his feet just in time to watch the train fly by. He turned his gaze to Gerard, who was looking at him with more anger than he had ever seen on his face. 

Frank returned his glare with an angry look of his own. “What the fuck was that?” He said, throwing up his arm to gesture at the train that was still moving past them.

“Excuse me?” Gerard spat back. “What the fuck was that?” He stabbed a finger at the train. “You really do have a fucking death wish, don’t you?”

“Maybe I do!” Frank snapped. “But that’s none of your goddamn business, is it?” Frank said, a small grin playing at the corners of his mouth. He held his gaze with Gerard’s for a few silent moments before turning and heading back the way he’d come.


	3. Run, You Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What did you mean earlier?” Gerard said suddenly in a quiet voice.
> 
> “About what?” Frank replied before taking a drag, not turning to look at him even though he could tell he was staring.
> 
> “About the whole knowing you’re going to die thing?” Gerard said, still staring at him.
> 
> “I meant exactly what I said, Gee.” Frank replied, matter of fact. “I’m going to die soon, it’s only a matter of time.”
> 
> Gerard was silent for a long time after that, finally breaking his gaze at Frank to look away. After they’d both finished their cigarettes, he finally spoke. “But how do you know? How do you know you’re going to die soon?” His voice was sad.
> 
> “I just know.” Frank said with a sigh. “Like some know for themselves that God exists or like some know they’re going to end up in a certain job or place. I know that I’m not going to live past thirty. It’s just a fact of life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More sex in this one, once again skip if you'd like. As a lesbian, I'm finding myself wondering why I thought I knew anything about m/m sex?

**\-------------------------8**

“You’re fucking crazy, you know that?” Gerard yelled at Frank when they’d finally made it back to his apartment building. The walk back had been full of silent, angry tension. Mostly coming from Gerard. Frank was too full of adrenalin to be angry about Gerard pulling him up from the tracks.

“Thought that was what you liked about me?” Frank replied sarcastically, pulling a cigarette out of his pack and lighting it. 

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Frank.” Gerard replied angrily, making Frank glanced up at him. That was new. Frank had never seen angry Gerard before, it was surprising, and kind of hot.

Frank just stayed silent, taking a drag from his smoke and looking down at his feet. He assumed Gerard wasn’t done yelling at him yet, so he just waited patiently until it was all over with. 

“The gas station was one thing, I just assumed you were trying to help everyone else in there. But you really do have a fucking death wish, don’t you?” Gerard said, his voice getting quiet and sad.

Frank glanced up at him, growing angry at the way his eyes were filled with pity. He let out a deep breath. “It’s not a death wish if you know you’re going to die. I’m just helping along the inevitable, Gee.”

Gerard stayed silent, just watching him with wide eyes as he took another drag from his cigarette. Frank just dropped his eyes to his feet, not saying anything. But after a while, that silence started to get fucking annoying. Especially since it was full of tension and judgment. So Frank decided to do something about it.

He dropped his bud onto the ground, stepping on it to make sure it was out. Gerard was still staring at him. Frank looked up at him, meeting his eye for only a moment. Then he reached out a hand, grabbing onto his waist and pulling him close to press their lips together.

Gerard was still for a moment, obviously surprised at Frank’s sudden kiss, but eventually he opened his mouth to him. As the kisses grew more passionate, he wrapped his arms around Frank’s neck. They kissed for a few minutes, the only sound being their heavy breathing and the occasional desperate whines from Gerard.

Frank eventually broke off, giving Gerard a wink before grabbing his hands and leading him into the building and up to his apartment. They started kissing again the second his front door was closed, Gerard pressing him up against it. They didn’t even break while they were moving toward Frank’s bedroom, knocking a few things over on their way as they started undressing either other. 

By the time they got to his room, they were completely naked. Frank only took a moment to break from the kiss to take in Gerard’s body. He flashed a small grin and then pressed their lips together again, leading him to the bed. Gerard laid back on the bed, pulling Frank on top of him. Their bodies pressed together, making them both moan. Gerard was hard, Frank could feel his dick against his own, which just turned him on more, if that was even possible. 

Frank didn’t waste any time, breaking away from the kiss to lean over to his nightstand, riffling through the drawers to find lube. He poured some on one of his hands, pressing the other to Gerard’s thigh to move his legs open. 

He pressed a finger inside him, making Gerard let out a soft moan. He arched his back as Frank moved inside of him. He slipped a second finger in, making him moan again. He kept moving his fingers until Gerard let out an impatient whine. He slipped he fingers out, satisfied, and leaned over again to grab a condom from his nightstand. 

He slipped it on himself, muttering a few curses under his breath. Then he poured some more lube on his hands, slicking it onto his dick. Gerard just watched him with desperate eyes. He then leaned forward, lining himself up and placing his hands on Gerard’s hips as he started to push in. 

They both moaned and Frank started to move inside him. Gerard’s head dropped back on the bed and Frank began to move faster, picking up a rhythm. They both started panting as they moved faster, letting out moans as they moved together.

“Kiss me, Frank.” Gerard panting out, reaching for him. Frank leaned forward, pressing their lips together as he started to rock into him harder and faster. Gerard moaned into Frank’s lips, making him grin in reply. 

Frank was close, but he knew Gerard wasn’t there yet. And though he may be a sarcastic asshole, he wasn’t one to deny someone of a good orgasm. He moved a hand from Gerard’s hip to wrap it around his dick, stroking him and making Gerard’s moans grow louder. Frank broke away from Gerard to lean back to get the right angle so he could really start slamming into him, as he continued to stroke Gerard’s dick. They both yelled out as they came, Gerard writhing around as his hips buckled. Frank eased his pace before slowly pulling out. He collapsed next to Gerard, still panting heavily. 

“Fuck me.” Gerard panted out as he stared up at the ceiling. 

Frank grinned next to him. “Already done.”

A few minutes later, when they had both caught their breath and composed themselves, Frank got up to get his pack of cigarettes. He collapsed back on the bed next to Gerard, pulling one out. “Want one?” He shook the pack at him.

Gerard hesitated for a moment before shrugging. “Sure, why the fuck not.” Frank handed him one and lit it for him before lighting his own.

They laid in silence for a while, just smoking their cigarettes. Frank felt fucking good, more amazing than he had in a long goddamn time. He was going to have to keep Gerard around.

“What did you mean earlier?” Gerard said suddenly in a quiet voice.

“About what?” Frank replied before taking a drag, not turning to look at him even though he could tell he was staring.

“About the whole knowing you’re going to die thing?” Gerard said, still staring at him.

“I meant exactly what I said, Gee.” Frank replied, matter of fact. “I’m going to die soon, it’s only a matter of time.”

Gerard was silent for a long time after that, finally breaking his gaze at Frank to look away. After they’d both finished their cigarettes, he finally spoke. “But how do you know? How do you know you’re going to die soon?” His voice was sad.

“I just know.” Frank said with a sigh. “Like some know for themselves that God exists or like some know they’re going to end up in a certain job or place. I know that I’m not going to live past thirty. It’s just a fact of life.”

Gerard was silent again for a while and Frank finally turned to look at him. He was just looking down at his hands, a sad look in his eyes. Frank reached out and placed a hand on his chin, forcing him to meet his eye. 

“Don’t be sad, Gee. I’ve still got a few good years left on me.” Frank grinned at him, and Gerard finally let out a small smile. Frank pressed their lips together.

**\------------------------------9**

The next day went slowly and boring. Frank was in a shitty mood for no goddamn reason, as per usual, and all he wanted to do was get so fucking drunk until he passed out. So that’s what his plans were when he got home from work. Of course, plans don’t always work out when there’s annoying douche bags constantly ruining your fucking life. 

There was a knock on the door and a glance through the peephole had Frank cursing to himself for ever talking to Bob in the first place. “Open the door, I know you’re in there asshat!”

Frank let out a frustrated groan, running a hand through his hair before finally opening his door to see Bob standing there, already looking a bit drunk. He already knew that he was going to be dragged along to some shitty club that he didn’t want to go to. 

“You’re coming out with me tonight.” He said, with no room for argument. Bob didn’t really let you say no once he’d shown up at your doorstep, so Frank wasn’t even going to bother trying to get out of it. He’d wanted to get wasted anyway, at least he’d still get to do that.

An hour later and they were exactly where Frank figured that Bob would take him. It was this shitty underground club in the city that the guy seemed to really fucking enjoy, but to Frank it was just super fucking loud. And he was always getting felt up by random people that he didn’t know. On top of that the alcohol was like five times the normal amount. He didn’t even know why Bob always wanted him to come along, he was probably just a fucking buzzkill. And Bob always ended up fucking ditching him anyway.

Which is exactly what happened after only being in the club for twenty minutes. One second Bob was screaming something into Frank’s ear, the next second he had disappeared into a dark corner with some chick he’d just met. Frank just shook his head, gulping down the rest of the beer he’d been drinking. He needed to smoke.

After twenty more minutes of trying to find his way to the fucking door in the crowded place, he finally walked out into the cool crisp air. There were a few other guys outside, but Frank didn’t pay much attention to them. He lit a cigarette and tried to start smoking it quickly, he was already starting to freeze to fucking death. 

About halfway into his smoke, a couple walked past him that were in the middle of a loud argument. Frank wasn’t one to get into other people’s business, mostly because he didn’t fucking care, so he just ignored them. That was until he saw the guy’s hand fly up and smack the girl right in her face.

Alright, now it was his fucking business.

Frank walked over to the couple as the girl started crying, holding onto her face as the man kept screaming at her. Frank walked up behind him, tapping his shoulder. The man turned with a furious look on his face.

“What the fuck do you want?” The guy said, looking Frank over.

Frank didn’t hesitate, flinging a fist at the guy’s face and clocking him right in the chin. His fist throbbed, but he ignored it. “You know what I want?” Frank said before hitting the guy again, this time in the eye. The guy fell to his knees. “I want fucking assholes like you to stop thinking that they can hit girls.” Another punch to the eye. “Or fucking anyone for that matter.”

He swung again, but the guy caught his fist and used it to push Frank back, making him fall on his ass. Then the guy launched himself onto Frank, and started beating him senseless. The punching started slow at first, with no real direction at all. But then Frank started grinning. Because he fucking enjoyed it. Please beat the shit out of me. I want you to.

“What the fuck are you smiling about fucker?” The guy yelled at him and started hitting him harder, this time starting to punch him in the ribs. This went on for what felt like eternity for Frank. His heart was pumping faster than he thought it could. He was losing the ability to breathe and his vision was going hazy and filling with dots. He was fairly certain he had a broken rib or two.

“What the fuck? Get off of him!” Frank heard Bob’s voice yell, but it sounded muddled. Like he was underwater. The guy was pulled off of him and Frank rolled to his side, wrapping his arms around himself and coughing. Blood was coming out of his mouth. 

“Fuck, Frank, are you okay, man?” Bob was next to Frank now, he could feel his hand on his shoulder. His vision was starting to clear finally. 

Frank started laughing, it was almost a weird disembodied laugh. Frank barely recognized it, and he could feel people giving him  _ that look _ . “Never better.” replied in a rough voice, attempting to flash a grin at him before another cough attack happened, feeling blood trickle down his chin. 

**\----------------------------10**

“What the hell happened to you?” Gerard yelled out in surprise the next day after showing up unexpectedly at Frank’s apartment. Frank had almost ignored the knock on his door when he’d heard it, but after seeing Gerard’s face through the peephole, he knew he’d better let him in or else he’d never hear the end of it.

“You should see the other guy.” Frank laughed, regretting it instantly as he grasped at his gut in pain. He grinned as Gerard reached his hands out to lightly prod at the scratches and bruises on his face. It hadn’t turned out as bad as he’d thought, he had a black eye on his right and practically his whole face on the left was bruised. He had a split lip too which was probably the most painful part of the entire experience. 

“Holy shit, Frank. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Gerard said with wide, worried eyes as he led Frank to the couch, sitting next to him on it. He grabbed Frank’s hand, the one he’d started punching the other guy with, and ran a finger lightly over the cuts and scrapes that were bright red. 

Gerard looked both angry and terrified while looking him over. Frank was suddenly extremely grateful that he was wearing sweats and a sweatshirt so that Gerard couldn’t see the rest of the damage. Frank’s middle looked like a fucking galaxy, there was so much goddamn purple. He knew Gerard would probably have a fit if he saw that.

“The guy deserved it. Thought he was allowed to beat the shit out of his girlfriend.” Frank said, slowly leaning back on the couch, wincing at the pain from movement. “Couldn’t just sit there and let it happen. Needed to do something about it.”

Gerard stayed silent, just watching him. He was still holding onto Frank’s hand and he still didn’t let go of it, just intertwined their fingers. Frank would have argued about that, he wasn’t much of a hand holder, but he was too exhausted and in too much pain to even try to do anything about it. So he just let it happen.

“Are you okay at least?” Gerard said, looking at him with worried eyes.

“I’m golden, Gee.” Frank replied, leaning his head back against the couch and closing his eyes. He just needed to rest his eyes.

It was silent for a long time after that, Gerard just watched him. Frank couldn’t see him watching, but he could definitely feel his eyes on him. Then suddenly he felt Gerard’s head leaning gingerly on his chest. Frank wrapped his arm around Gerard’s body and they laid there for a long time, Frank eventually falling asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, Gerard was still sleeping on his chest, wrapped up in Frank’s arms. But Gerard must have somehow lead him to his bedroom, because now they were both laying comfortably in Frank’s bed. Normally, Frank would be so against all of this, but for some reason he felt different about this relationship shit when it was Gerard doing it. He would never admit it, but he was definitely thankful to have him around. 

**\-----------------------11**

Ray practically had a bitch fit the second he saw Frank a few days later at work. He got this look in his eyes and Frank just knew that he was going to try and send him home early. But Frank cut in before he could even attempt to say that. 

“Ray, I’m fine. It’s been a few days, I’m all patched up. My packaging is just a little rough around the edges.” He said with a shrug.

“A little?!” Ray replied incredulously. He had this angry look in his eye. It was kind of amusing. Frank had to bite his lip so he didn’t grin or laugh and get yelled at even more.

“Seriously, Ray, I’m fucking fine. And I need the work. I have to pay rent. And now goddamn medical bills too.” Frank grumbled.

Ray rolled his eyes with a sigh. “That’s your own damn fault.” Frank looked at him with hopeful eyes. “Ugh, fine. You can stay. Just take it easy, please.”

Work was boring, as per usual, and Frank was careful to only lift heavy things when Ray wasn’t paying attention. He didn’t need another lecture on health and hospitals and shit. He might have to kill Ray if he was forced to listen to that again.

It was pretty late by the time he left work. He’d ended up working later, so it was past midnight when he started the fifteen minute walk towards his apartment. When he was about halfway home, he heard some yelling from an alley about a block from him. Frank didn’t even hesitate, just quickened his pace until the alley way came into view. 

Frank saw a guy in dark clothing backing a young guy up against the wall of one of the buildings. The guy in the dark clothes was holding something…a knife. It was a fucking mugging. The young guy looked like he was going to shit his pants. Or cry. Probably both.

He didn’t even think about what he was doing, he just leapt forward and grabbed the mugger and pulled him back making him fall to the ground. Every part of his body screamed at him. It hurt so fucking bad just to do that. Now he was the one almost crying.

He turned to the young guy. “Run, you fucking idiot!” Frank screamed. He obeyed instantly, not even stopping to thank him for helping. Not that Frank needed a thank you.

Before he had a chance to turn, the mugger jumped him from behind, making them both fall to the ground. Frank hit the ground hard, making every bruised part of his body feel like they were being fucking ripped off his bones. He yelled out in pain, barely being able to hold back the tears that started welling up in his eyes. He felt like he was dying, he couldn’t fucking breathe.

Frank turned and pushed the guy off of him before rolling on top of him and punching him hard in the face. He almost yelled out again, his fist aching instantly from the hit. He was pretty sure that punch hurt him more than it did the mugger.

Frank leapt up, hesitating a bit before he just started fucking running. He didn’t have any other choice. He couldn’t fucking fight. He was so goddamn weak. It was pathetic.

He ran as fast as he could, ignoring the way his lungs screamed at him. He didn’t even stop running when he got to his apartment building, pushing open the door and climbing up the stairs two at a time. He got to his door and quickly unlocked it, slamming it behind him.

And then Frank screamed.

He screamed out in anger and hurt and pain. He walked over to the couch, grabbing the end table and shoving it over. Then he shoved over the coffee table, making everything on it fall onto the ground with a crash. He collapsed onto his knees, his screams turning into sobs.

He didn’t cry. He never cried, actually. Not since he was a kid. It was a waste of time in his eyes. Why cry when you could be spending that wasted time fixing whatever was wrong. But Frank couldn’t fix this. Because he was the thing that was broken. 

He was so broken, he couldn’t be fixed.


	4. The Carnival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard turned back to look at him with confusion and curiosity in his eyes right as Frank finished his cigarette. “You took me to an amusement park?” 
> 
> Frank’s face spread into a wicked grin. “Fuck yeah I did.” He said and walked up to next to where Gerard was standing by the gates.
> 
> Gerard just stared at him for a bit before turning to touch his hand to the big chain and lock that was wrapped around the gate. “It’s closed. How are we going to get in?”
> 
> Frank’s grin grew wider and he moved his hand to grab onto Gerard’s neck, pulling him close and pressing their lips together. He kissed him hard, trying to push every bit of feeling of excitement and adrenaline that he was feeling right at that moment. After a few moments he broke away. He hesitated a moment and winked at a dazed Gerard before taking a few steps back and running forward to jump up and climb up and over the fence. He took a moment to fucking thank god the fence wasn’t too high for him before turning and facing Gerard on the other side of the fence. 
> 
> “Are you coming or what?” Frank ginned and Gerard’s eyes grew wide in either horror or amazement, Frank couldn’t tell which.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more sex, i believe its all in the last part of this chapter

Frank felt like complete shit the next day. He was real goddamn happy that he had off of work because the last thing he wanted to do was have to deal with anyone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone or hear anyone speak or even hear anyone breathe. Fuck, he didn’t even want to see anyone. He stayed in his apartment for the day, in his bed, watching shitty TV. Because he couldn’t get himself out of bed, not even to eat.

So when he heard a knock at his door late that night, Frank just ignored it. He wasn’t even in the mood to pretend to be civil. He couldn’t keep up the charade of being okay, so he just didn’t answer the door. Except that whoever the fuck it was wouldn’t stop knocking.

Frank sunk deeper into his bed, wishing and praying to a god he didn’t believe in that whoever it was would just go away. Eventually the knocking stopped and he let out a sigh of relief just to have it crushed when he heard the front door open and close. What the fuck? Who the hell is in my apartment?

“Frank?” He heard a familiar voice calling through his apartment. Gerard. Frank had a small flash of relief, he’d been worried it was going to be Bob, come to force shots down his throat. He still wasn’t happy that someone was just fucking walking into his apartment, but at least it was just fucking Gerard.

“Frank, are you here?” Gerard called out again as he opened Frank’s bedroom door. He turned on the light and Frank winced at the sudden brightness. “What the fuck, Frank? Why didn’t you answer the door?” He said, walking closer to the bed.

“I don’t know, maybe because I didn’t want to fucking talk to anyone.” Frank replied sarcastically, bringing a hand up to his face to cover his eyes from the light as Gerard sat at the edge of his bed by his feet.

Gerard was silent for a moment, his eyes narrowing with worry. He lifted a hand to touch Frank’s, but Frank slapped his hand away. He didn’t want to be touched on top of being stared at. He was super fucking close to kicking Gerard out already. But Gerard just reached his hand back again, moving Frank’s hand out of the way.

“Your bruises…” Gerard said, touching a cold hand to Frank’s eye, making him wince. “They’re even worse than last time I saw you.” He dropped his hand and stared at him. 

“Shit happens, I guess.” Frank grumbled in reply, pulling himself up and away from Gerard so that he was on the other side of the bed.

Gerard looked like he wanted to say something. No, he looked like he wanted to fucking yell at Frank, but he must have decided not to because he just shook his head and moved to sit next to Frank on the bed. Frank pulled his legs into his chest, wrapping his arms around them and curling up into himself. He just wanted to be alone.

Frank stayed curled up and silent for a long time, thankful that at least Gerard didn’t seem too talkative. He honestly just wanted to go to sleep, he had to keep himself from just getting under the covers and passing out.

Eventually Gerard turned his gaze over to him, watching him carefully; Frank didn’t return his look and had to keep himself from snapping at him. “Are you okay?” He finally asked.

“I’m fine.” Frank replied sharply. Gerard let out a frustrated sigh and pulled himself off of the bed, turning to face him.

“Well that’s a goddamn lie.” He said, crossing his arms across his chest. 

Frank just glared up at him, staying silent for a moment. He didn’t have the patience for this today. “I don’t fucking owe you anything, Gerard.” He finally spat out. It didn’t feel right.

“Maybe not.” Gerard said with an angry look in his eye as he reached into his pocket for something. “But I thought I at least deserved the truth from you, Frank.” He threw whatever he’d grabbed out of his pocket at Frank, it landing next to him on the bed with a light thud.

Cigarettes.

Frank picked the pack up slowly in surprise. He bought me cigarettes? He picked them up, looking them over before glancing up at him with wide eyes. Gerard just stared at Frank for a while, his arms still crossed over his chest.

“You were low.” He said, and then with that, he was walking out the door. Frank heard his front door open and slam shut, making him jump a bit. Then there was silence. Frank was alone again. He tried to convince himself this was what he wanted.

**\---------------13**

Frank wasn’t even exactly sure what he was doing a few days later as he walked briskly down the street, passing his favorite coffee shop on the way. He had spent the past three days waiting for Gerard to show up at his door step or at least fucking call him or something. Frank had honestly tried not to think about it, he was definitely not one to get so distraught about a dumb little fight, but here he was, stressing out about it. That being said, he was definitely not going to be the one who went to Gerard first to apologize. 

Well at least that’s what he thought until he found himself walking down the familiar street towards Unholy Records, where he knew he would be able to find Gerard. 

He got to the front door and took a deep breath, still not entirely sure what the fuck he was doing, before pushing it open and walking inside. A soft bell rang when he opened the door, making the guy at the front desk look up. It wasn’t Gerard though, and Frank was actually disappointed.

“Can I help you?” The guy said, walking around the counter to move towards Frank.

“Is Gerard here?” Frank said quickly, glancing around the store. He still had no idea what he was doing, he had no clue what he was planning on saying to Gerard. He just knew he had to say it.

“He should be over in the back.” He replied, gesturing towards the back. “We just got a new shipment in, he’s organizing them.” Frank nodded and quickly turned, heading for where the guy had pointed to.

Frank almost got distracted by all of the new shit that he was seeing on the racks. It had been way too fucking long since he’d come into this place. It was about time, he needed to update his collection. But, no, not today. Today Frank was there to see Gerard not—fuck—the new Anti-Flag record. Goddamit. He shook his head and continued towards the back, moving around a large table full of vinyl to find Gerard sitting cross-legged on the ground, surrounded by music.

“Holy shit, you have the best job ever.” Frank said, staring down at him. Gerard looked up in surprise, setting down the record he’d had in his hand. He’d originally looked happy to see Frank, but his look turned angry as if he was suddenly remembering why they hadn’t talked in three days. 

“What are you doing here, Frank?” He said in a serious voice, standing up and carefully stepping around all of the records so that he could move towards Frank.

“I need to talk to you.” Frank replied quickly, realizing that he still had no clue what the fuck he planned to say to him.

“About what?” Gerard said, crossing his arms in front of his chest again.

Frank just stared back at him, clueless as to what to say. Finally, he pulled out the pack of cigarettes that Gerard had brought him and held it out in front of him. “Thanks for these, Gee.”

Gerard stayed silent for a while, staring at him with a look that Frank couldn’t read. Which fucking drove him crazy, this is exactly why he didn’t fucking do apologies. 

“Cigarettes?” Gerard finally spoke. “You came here just to thank me for goddamn cigarettes.” He let out a frustrated sigh and rolled his eyes before turning to walk away.

“Wait!” Frank blurted out, grabbing onto his arm and turning him back towards him. “Gerard, just please wait. I know I’m a fucking asshole.” Gerard let out a sarcastic laugh, as if to say  _ yeah no shit _ . Frank let out a deep, frustrated sigh. “I don’t care about anyone but myself, I have a shitload of bad habits, I think about dying more than I do living, and I keep pulling you into shit you don’t deserve. I don’t know if I believe in bullshit like love or relationships or any of that shit, but I can’t deny that I like having you around. So I’m sorry.”

Silence followed his words and Frank swore to god that he could feel his heart beat all the way in his toes, it was beating so fast. This is why he didn’t apologize for shit and this is why he didn’t let himself get fucking close to anyone. What’s the point in getting close to someone when you’re going to die soon anyway?

“You’re definitely right.” Gerard spoke up finally, gazing at Frank as a smile played at the corners of his lips.

“About what?” Frank asked, confused.

“You’re definitely an asshole.” Gerard replied, that lopsided grin of his spreading across his face. Frank couldn’t help but grin in return. 

Frank suddenly felt the urge to kiss Gerard, so that’s exactly what he fucking did, because he wasn’t one to hold himself back from anything that he wanted. He grabbed onto Gerard’s shirt, pulling him close and pressing their lips together. He felt Gerard give in to the kiss, and Frank fell apart at the seams at the thought of it. 

**\-----------------------14**

“Where the hell are you going? It’s the middle of the night.” Gerard said sleepily after Frank had kicked him awake and then quickly started pulling on clothes. 

“Just get dressed, Gee, we’re going out.” Frank replied, winking at him, before picking up Gerard’s shirt from the ground that he’d thrown there carelessly while they’d been preoccupied with something that really didn’t require clothing.

Gerard just looked back at Frank, obviously waiting for more of an explanation, but he wasn’t going to get one. Eventually he must’ve given up because he rolled his eyes and slipped his shirt on.

About twenty minutes later they were walking down the street as Frank lit a cigarette. Gerard looked half confused and half asleep which just made Frank grin. He couldn’t lie, it was kind of fucking cute. He took a drag before offering it to Gerard, who denied it, casting nervous glances around him. Frank just shrugged and took another drag.

“Seriously, where the fuck are we going, Frank?” Gerard said, obviously trying to sound angry but coming out as more nervous and curious. 

Frank grinned a bit in reply. He reached an arm around Gerard to wrap it around his waist. “Patience is a virtue, Gee.” He said before using his free hand to take another drag of his cigarette.

Gerard looked over at Frank in surprise when he felt his arm around him, but quickly went back to glancing around nervously. “Last time you said that to me I almost watched you get run over by a fucking train.”

Frank laughed softly at the memory and Gerard gave him an angry look. “Hey, if I remember correctly that night ended with a pretty good fucking session.” Frank said with a grin.

Gerard’s cheeks flushed and he rolled his eyes in reply. The rest of the walk was pretty silent, but not the shitty kind of silent that drove Frank fucking crazy. There was certain type of anticipation in the air which just got his adrenaline going. He just wanted to fucking do something and weirdly enough he really wanted Gerard to be there with him. But he was trying not to think about that part.

Finally, they walked up the big gates of where Frank had been leading him to. Gerard just looked around in both amazement and total confusion. He ran his hands lightly over the metal of the bars on the gates as he looked beyond it. Frank just watched him move around gracefully, almost getting high on watching him move. 

Gerard turned back to look at him with confusion and curiosity in his eyes right as Frank finished his cigarette. “You took me to an amusement park?” 

Frank’s face spread into a wicked grin. “Fuck yeah I did.” He said and walked up to next to where Gerard was standing by the gates.

Gerard just stared at him for a bit before turning to touch his hand to the big chain and lock that was wrapped around the gate. “It’s closed. How are we going to get in?”

Frank’s grin grew wider and he moved his hand to grab onto Gerard’s neck, pulling him close and pressing their lips together. He kissed him hard, trying to push every bit of feeling of excitement and adrenaline that he was feeling right at that moment. After a few moments he broke away. He hesitated a moment and winked at a dazed Gerard before taking a few steps back and running forward to jump up and climb up and over the fence. He took a moment to fucking thank god the fence wasn’t too high for him before turning and facing Gerard on the other side of the fence. 

“Are you coming or what?” Frank ginned and Gerard’s eyes grew wide in either horror or amazement, Frank couldn’t tell which. 

Gerard hesitated, he hesitated a whole fucking bunch. His eyes kept going back and forth between the gates and Frank. He looked terrified, and to be honest, he looked a little angry. Frank was trying his damn hardest to not start laughing, but he wasn’t doing very well and after a few minutes he let out a small snicker. That just made Gerard angry, and he finally took a few steps back before following Frank’s lead and jumping and climbing over the fence. He fell onto his ass right next to Frank’s feet with a soft thud, he was definitely angry now.

Frank grinned again, leaning over to help him up. Gerard accepted his help and grabbed onto his hand, only to push away from him the second he was on his feet. He grumbled something under his breath that sounded like  _ make me fucking climb a goddamn fence _ and Frank had to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing.

He once again failed and let out a quiet laugh which made Gerard’s head whip over to him with an angry look. Frank composed himself and just walked past him with a grin, heading into the amusement park. He heard Gerard huff before following after him.

“Where are you taking me now?” Gerard said after he’d caught up with Frank. Frank opened his mouth to speak but didn’t get the chance before Gerard spoke again. “And if you say patience is a virtue I’m going to hurt you.”

Frank let out a loud, boisterous laugh in reply. “Calm the fuck down, I’m taking you to the ferris wheel.” He said, heading that way. Gerard didn’t say anything, just stayed silent as they walked past a bunch of booths for games and food carts. Eventually they made it to the ferris wheel. It wasn’t anything too special, it was a pretty shitty wheel actually, in Frank’s opinion. But it’d do. 

He walked over to it, leaving Gerard to watch curiously as he climbed into the operator’s booth. He turned back to look at Gerard with a grin on his face. “You wanna see something cool?” He said before flipping a few switches and pressing a button, causing a loud whirring sound. Frank pressed a couple more things making the lights flash on and the ride started moving. Gerard carefully moved towards Frank.

“How do you know how to do that?” Gerard asked curiously, watching the two person seats on the wheel move around slowly.

“I worked here when I was in high school.” Frank replied. “Fucking hated it but it was better than being stuck at home in my shitty foster homes with other asshole foster kids.”

Then Gerard looked at him, but with that look that Frank fucking hated. It was full of fucking pity, and if Frank hated anything, it was being fucking pitied. He didn’t need anyone’s fucking empathy. He ignored Gerard’s look, refusing to return it, and instead focused on the ride moving slowly around. 

Without really thinking about it, he slammed his hand down on a button which made the ride stop turning. He then launched himself forward, climbing up onto the bars of the ride and quickly scaling his way up the ride until he was all the way at the top, hanging loosely from a single bar. The metal was cool under his hands and his heart was beating fast again. He felt amazing. He looked down to see Gerard staring up at him in absolute horror.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Gerard screamed at him, he looked both terrified and angry. It was kind of amusing to Frank.

“Just hanging out. How about you?” Frank’s lips spread into a shit eating grin and Gerard’s face lost the terrified look to it and just turned full on angry. 

Gerard gave him a look that was full of fury. Frank could see it and he was like 50 fucking feet away from the guy. “Do you think this is funny?” Gerard grumbled from the below.

“Aw, come on, Gee. Come join me.” Frank replied, grinning down at him.

“Or you could just come the fuck down here.” Gerard replied, crossing his arms in front of his chest again.

“Okay, okay. I’ll come down.” Frank said, letting one of his hands slip off the bar he was holding onto, making him dangle from just one arm.

Gerard eyes grew wide in horror again. “What the fuck Frank?! This isn’t fucking funny! Are going to try to kill yourself every date we have?!” He screamed at him. Frank let out a low laugh that echoed across the amusement park. Gerard’s worry was actually fucking cute, Frank couldn’t deny that he really fucking enjoyed it.

“Frank I am going to hurt you so fucking much if you don’t come down right now.” Gerard yelled up at him, that look of fury back in his eyes.

Frank grinned again and rolled his eyes. “Alright, mom. I’ll come down.” He carefully but quickly climbed his way down the ferris wheel, until he was close enough to jump off and land on his feet right in front of Gerard who just looked angrily at him.

Frank winked at him and brushed past him, grabbing onto his hand and pulling him along. Gerard let out a deep sigh, but followed after him as Frank led them towards the lamest looking haunted fun-house. It was called like House of Horror or something awful like that which just fucking called to Frank. That had always been his favorite place as a teenager. He used to always sneak in and scare the other kids, it was awesome.

He flipped on a few switches in the operator’s area just like he did with the Ferris Wheel and Gerard watched him, still holding onto his hand. The lights came on, followed by cheesy horror sound effects. It made Frank grin, remembering all the shit he caused when he was kid working here. He glanced back at Gerard, still grinning, before pulling him into the fun house.

They walked down a few dark halls, things popping out of the walls every corner. Mostly it was shit like skeletons or creepy dolls and shit. It was so lame, it didn’t scare Frank at all. Gerard didn’t seem to jump or get scared either, but every time something jumped out at them, he felt Gerard’s hand get tighter around his. And every time Frank couldn’t help smile every time it happened.

Eventually they got to a long hallway that had a strobe light going through it. Frank hesitated before leading Gerard down it. He always hated this fucking hallway, he wasn’t a fan of flashing lights. He moved slowly down the hallway, Gerard holding tight onto his hand. Then one of those stupid fucking skeletons jumped out at them from the middle of the hallway, and this time Frank actually jumped. Gerard practically screamed bloody murder and quickly launched himself forward down the hall, dragging Frank with him until they were safe into another hallway.

“You got fucking scared!” Gerard yelled at him when they’d finally left the hallway. He laughed breathlessly as he spoke.

“Shut the fuck up, I did not.” Frank grumbled in reply, angry because that dumb skeleton always made him fucking jump.

Gerard laughed more and grinned, letting go of his hand to push him up against the wall of the dark hallway. Frank was taken totally off guard as Gerard pressed their lips together, and he fucking loved it. He grinned against his lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. Their kisses were deep and passionate. Frank felt like he was on fucking fire, every part of his skin burned and he couldn’t pull Gerard close enough.

Desperate moans came from both of them as they moved against each other, this kisses turning hotter and more passionate by the second. Then suddenly Gerard broke away, making Frank let out a frustrated whine. Gerard grinned at him, touching a finger to his lips to silence him before getting down on his knees.

Frank let out a deep breath as Gerard unzipped and pulled down his jeans, his boxers going with them. He practically went crazy as he watched Gerard wrap a hand around his dick, starting to stroke him. Frank let out a low moan, letting his head fall back against the wall. Gerard snickered before taking the head in his mouth.

That definitely did make Frank go crazy. He let out a louder moan. “Holy fuck, Gee.”

Gerard somehow knew exactly what Frank liked, which just drove him even more crazy. He moaned louder as Gerard slid his tongue over the head, rubbing it along his dick. Frank couldn’t fucking think straight from the feel of it, he felt like he was going to fucking combust. He dropped a hand onto Gerard’s hair, latching on and pulling it as he took his whole dick in his mouth. Frank let out more curses as he got close to the edge

“Fuck, I’m there. Holy fucking shit.” He yelled out, and Gerard eased back a bit as he came. Frank’s body shook as he did, making him yell out more. 

Frank panted heavily as Gerard swallowed and eased off of him. He stood up with a grin on his face as Frank stood there, completely unable to think clearly. Gerard pressed a quick kiss to his lips before leaning back and winking at Frank. Then he turned and headed down the hallway, leaving Frank a total mess.

Holy fuck.


	5. Suicidal Tendencies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard was silent for a long time after that before he let out another sigh, and Frank knew he was about to hear something that he really didn’t want to. “I thought maybe…I thought you might start feeling the same way I do.”
> 
> Frank looked at him, some confusion showing in his face. “How do you feel?”
> 
> “Like I might…” Gerard started, before pausing and taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes before he spoke again. “Like I might love you. Like I could love you.”

A long time passed after that night at the amusement park and things seemed to move fairly smoothly for Frank. He fell into the rhythm of life, something he hadn’t allowed himself to do in a really long fucking time. He woke up, smoked a cigarette, went to work, met up with Gerard, smoked another cigarette—usually sharing with Gerard—and then went to bed. Just to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. 

To an outsider, Frank might actually have looked like he was happy. Content. But that’s not how life works, as Frank knew really fucking well, and before he could even begin to enjoy Gerard’s consistent company, he started to feel suffocated. That same feeling of being crushed by a cycle he couldn’t get out of. Trapped by the life that kept on spinning around him. He couldn’t breath, he couldn’t fucking breath. 

So two weeks after his and Gerard’s night at the amusement park, he was being consumed by that familiar feeling of how much life just wasn’t worth it. Even when he had everything that he was supposed to—a job, a guy he liked having around, a semi-normal life—he still felt like he was going to fucking break under the weight of it all. He felt the overwhelming and familiar knowledge that no matter what he had gained in the past month, he didn’t want to live past thirty. He barely even wanted to live past today.

It was late. Past 3am at least, he didn’t know for sure when. He really didn’t fucking care about the time. Gerard was somewhere. Work, family, at home. Frank couldn’t remember and once again he found himself not really caring. Because this was a selfish kind of pain. One that demanded his sole focus. One that made it impossible to pay attention to anything other than the smothering sensation of life itself. And the lack of wanting his own to continue. 

There was a cigarette in one of his hands. He couldn’t remember how many he’d smoked at that point. He’d lost count around five. In his other hand he held a glass. It had whiskey in it. Or scotch. He couldn’t remember which it was. Maybe both. He’d lost count of drinks along with the cigarettes. But there was an empty bottle of some type of liquor lying on the floor by his foot. 

His head spun. His eyes blurred. He couldn’t focus on one thing. His mind was flying, full of a thousand thoughts that made it impossible for him to pin down one. Frank had been drinking to escape his thoughts and feelings that caused him so much goddamn pain, but the thoughts had just been multiplied and the feelings had just become more intense. He thought his head might explode, he thought he might have a heart attack. He thought maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. He thought maybe it wouldn’t be so awful just to die.

Frank wanted to die right then. He really did, it wasn’t even a feeling anymore. It was just a fact. He wanted to die. He wanted to swallow a bunch of pills. He wanted to make himself bleed. He wanted to tear himself inside out.

But he couldn’t get himself off the couch. He could never get himself off the couch. So he closed his eyes instead. He made himself picture Gerard’s face. He didn’t know what that meant, but it helped. And soon he drifted to sleep.

**\-----------------------16**

When he came to, he didn’t feel much better. He actually felt even fucking worse. He still wanted to die and now he also felt like he was going to fucking hurl. He sat up from where he’d been laying on the couch. He hit something. An arm. There was someone next to him.

“Frank?” A sleepy but worried voice said next to him. Frank looked over, cursing the fuck out of himself for the dizzy mess that he became from turning his head. It was Gerard. He must’ve fallen asleep next to Frank.

“Gerard…” Frank started, but stopped, suddenly feeling a very unfortunate sensation from his stomach. He was going to fucking barf. 

He leapt to his feet, running to the bathroom and making it just in time as last night’s dinner along with a bucket full of liquor came out of him. He spent the next twenty minutes just leaning against his toilet, barely able to catch his breath between bouts of throwing up. At some point Gerard showed up, just kneeling beside Frank and stroking his back. This was the last way that Frank wanted Gerard to see him, but he couldn’t really fucking do anything about it.

Eventually Frank got all the alcohol out of his system and Gerard had guided him to his bed, handing him a glass of water and settling down next to him in bed. He got a stern warning that if he didn’t drink the water, Gerard was going to force it down his throat. Then they both fell silent for a long time. Gerard kept glancing over at Frank with a worried look. It drove Frank fucking crazy but he was far too exhausted to do anything about it.

“I thought…” Gerard finally spoke, but paused, hesitating. Frank looked over to see him fidgeting with his shirt nervously. He let out a sigh before continuing. “I thought you were finally getting happy. I thought you were done with this stuff, Frank.”

Frank stayed silent for a while, just watching Gerard restlessly fret with his shirt. He took a drink of his water. “It doesn’t work that way, Gee.” He finally said. Gerard looked up at him and they met eyes for a moment before Frank looked away again, focusing on the water in his hand. “Happiness doesn’t just happen for me. It comes in waves. And it never stays. I can’t just be fucking happy for good suddenly. Life’s not that fucking easy.” 

Frank glanced over at Gerard, but instantly regretted it after seeing the look in his eyes. He looked broken. Frank related to that, still watching him. He had that  _ I thought I made you happy _ look in his eyes. Gerard looked away, focusing back on his hands which had started fiddling with his shirt again.

Gerard was silent for a long time after that before he let out another sigh, and Frank knew he was about to hear something that he really didn’t want to. “I thought maybe…I thought you might start feeling the same way I do.”

Frank looked at him, some confusion showing in his face. “How do you feel?”

“Like I might…” Gerard started, before pausing and taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes before he spoke again. “Like I might love you. Like I could love you.”

Frank wasn’t sure what to say. He was actually fucking clueless as what to say. He’d never had someone in his life like Gerard. Someone he actually didn’t want to leave him. Frank couldn’t help but look back at all the times Gerard had made him feel something that no one else had. He thought-But Frank shook that out of his mind. He couldn’t give him what he wanted, Frank knew that. He was fucking selfish. It never changes. He didn’t want to lose Gerard. But he wasn’t going to fucking lie to him, so he told the truth.

“I don’t believe in love.” Frank said finally in a somber voice. Gerard didn’t look up. “Even if I did, I’m not going to be around much longer. So why fucking bother.”

Gerard was quiet. He was quiet for what seemed like a goddamn fucking eternity. Frank just watched him, actually scared of how he might react. After a few minutes of total silence from him, Gerard finally just nodded. He didn’t say anything, just kept nodding while looking down at his hands. 

“Okay, okay, okay.” Gerard finally spoke in a broken, defeated voice. He got up from the bed, not even looking at Frank. “Okay.” He said once more before just leaving and walking out the door.

Frank didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know how to fucking feel. He just knew he hurt. He fucking hurt everywhere. His throat burned and his eyes stung. He felt like his heart was melting in his chest and like his skin was being ripped from his body. It hurt so goddamn bad and he had no clue how to deal with it. So he didn’t. He pulled his blanket over his head and closed his eyes, refusing to think about anything other than sleep. He eventually passed out, but not before picturing Gerard’s broken face once before he finally fell asleep.

**\----------------------17**

There was this old bridge right outside of the city. Frank used to go there as a kid, right after his mom died. As far as bridges go, it was shit. It was wooden and it was dirty and falling apart. It was amazing that it was even still holding together and every time he visited it, it looked even worse. But it was over a rushing river and he used to sit on the edge of the bridge just looking over it and wondering how sharp the rocks were that stuck up from the rushing waters and if jumping would be enough to kill him. 

He started doing that at such a young age. Wondering what would kill him. Wondering what would be the most peaceful way to go. Wondering if anyone would really even care. He’d been doing it for so long that it was just part of his life, he didn’t even question it at this point. Frank had lost his childhood when he was still a child. But he’d accepted that a long time ago. He only visited the old bridge when he was at his lowest points. He’d been bad lately, but he hadn’t been that bad in a long time. At least not until now. 

His feet dangled off the edge of the wooden bridge as he felt that familiar breeze brush his hair across his face. The river looked the same as it always did. The same cluster of rocks protruded from the water. The same muddy banks surrounding it. Familiar thoughts of death filled his mind. He thought about his mom a lot.

For a moment Frank thought about what Gerard would be saying if he were here. But he shook his head, clearing his mind of that. Because Gerard wasn’t here. Gerard left him. He left him alone to deal with the shit that clouded his mind. But Frank didn’t blame him. He understood why he couldn’t stay with such a broken person.

Frank looked down past his hanging feet, watching the water crash against the rocks. It all looked so calming. He brought himself to his feet, gripping the railing of the bridge behind him. He leaned forward over the side of the bridge, still gripping the railing tight. He closed his eyes. He could hear the sound of the water, he could smell the mud from the banks. It soothed him. He felt a moment of peace. He loosened his grip on the railing.

“Please don’t.” A voice spoke, causing Frank to open his eyes and pull his body back towards the railing. He turned to see who it was. He didn’t recognize the guy. But there was something familiar about his eyes. Frank thought that was weird, but he wasn’t really focused on that.

Frank just stared at him, unsure of what to say. But somewhat pissed off that he was put in this situation in the first place. The guy just stared back at him with unblinking eyes. He was fucking relentless, that was for fucking sure. 

“Don’t jump.” The guy finally spoke again, breaking the silence but not his gaze, still focusing on Frank as he took a few steps closer.

“Why the hell not?” Frank replied in a biting tone. He just wanted this guy to leave him alone. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone, why didn’t anyone understand that.

“Because death isn’t the answer.” He replied. “And I also really don’t feel like watching someone die. I was having a pretty good day and that will really just ruin it.”

Frank just stared at him in surprise. Who the fuck was this guy. He was starting to get real fucking annoying. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Oh!” He suddenly exclaimed in reply and reached out his hand to Frank, like this was just a normal, casual conversation. “Name’s Mikey.” His face spread into an awkward smile. 

Frank raised an eyebrow at him, but climbed over the railing so that he was standing in front of him. He reached out his hand and shook Mikey’s, still giving him an odd look. But Mikey stayed unperturbed, not bothered at all by Frank’s expressions. “I’m Frank.”

“You aren’t the only Frank I’ve heard of with suicidal tendencies.” Mikey said matter of fact, still not breaking eye contact with him.

“I’m not-I-I don’t have suicidal tendencies.” Frank stumbled, putting both of his hands in his pockets and rocking on his feet. “I just have realistic views about the future.”

“And those are?” Mikey replied, still staring at him.

“That I’m going to die soon anyway.” Frank replied, breaking his gaze and looking down at his feet. 

“Then what made you decide that today was your day to die?” He asked.

Frank shrugged, still not looking up at him. He didn’t want to fucking talk about this with anyone, let alone a fucking stranger. He felt himself missing Gerard. Gerard never asked this many fucking questions. He just accepted Frank’s words for what they were.

“Something was different to make you decide you wanted to die today, Frank.” Mikey pressed him again. That pissed Frank off. He didn’t know Frank, he didn’t know fucking anything about his life. He had no right to be saying things like that to him, to be pushing him like that.

Frank’s head shot up to meet his eyes. “None of your fucking business.” He growled out.

Mikey’s hands shot up like he was surrendering or under arrest at Frank’s sudden tone. He spoke softly, he looked calm, undisturbed by him. “I’m just trying to help, man.”

“You can help me by leaving me alone.” Frank grumbled out. Suddenly exhausted and just wanting to go the fuck home. He wanted to get into his bed and never leave it again.

“Alright, I will.” Mikey replied and Frank sighed with relief. Finally. “But I’m going to give you my number.” He said, grabbing onto Frank’s hand suddenly and pulling out a pen from his jacket. He scribbled a phone number and his name in shitty handwriting across the top of his hand. “Just in case. I know you don’t know me, but call me if you need to talk.”

Frank gave him an angry look, but nodded nonetheless. He wasn’t one to call anyone when he was standing on the edge of a building or lying down on train tracks. But if telling this guy a white lie like that was the only thing to get rid of him, then Frank was perfectly okay with doing that.

**\-----------------18**

“You’re two hours late, Frank.” Ray said as he walked in the door of the gas station an hour later. Frank walked past him and into the back room, not saying anything in reply. But Ray followed him back there, leaving the store completely unsupervised. Even if it was empty at the moment, that was still really fucking weird for Ray to do.

Frank let out a deep sigh, knowing that he wasn’t going to leave him alone until he gave him an explanation. “I’m sorry, okay, Ray?” He finally said, taking off his jacket and hanging it up in one of the lockers. “You should feel lucky, I wasn’t even planning on being here at all.”

Ray gave him an annoyed look, followed by a frustrated groan before speaking. “What is going on with you lately? I swear to god, you’re lucky I need you around here.” He grumbled out before turning and walking back to the front of the store.

A few hours passed and work went by, boring as usual. Frank was trying not to think about how he’d spent this morning and how if that guy hadn’t shown up, he wouldn’t be here right now. He wouldn’t be anywhere. He’d be gone. Frank didn’t feel regret for what he’d almost done this morning, he hadn’t had some kind of sudden snap out of wanting to die. He didn’t really feel anything about it, he just felt numb.

About four hours into his shift, Frank was stocking the candy bars when he heard a familiar voice that practically made his heart stop. It was Gerard. And Frank had no idea what to do.

“Hey Ray, can I get some Eagles?” He heard Gerard say by the counter. 

Frank stood up from where he had been kneeling. He knew he should probably just stay where he was, hidden from Gerard, but he felt his feet carrying him forward. He didn’t really know what he was doing, it was like his mind was in a haze. And too soon, he found himself standing at Gerard’s back, just staring at him. Gerard paid for the cigarettes and turned, his eyes growing wide as he finally saw Frank. Frank just stood, watching him, unsure of what to say. 

“Frank…” Gerard started, but stopped. He ran a hand through his hair, visibly frustrated.

“Thought you only smoked on special occasions.” Frank finally said in a low voice, eyeing the pack of cigarettes in Gerard’s hands.

Gerard looked down at the pack. Frank watched him. “This past week has been one big fucking occasion, I guess.” Gerard replied and shrugged, but didn’t look back up at him. Frank’s heart hurt. He didn’t realize he even had the ability to miss someone, let alone miss someone this fucking much.

“Gerard, I get off in an hour.” Frank heard himself saying. He had no idea what he meant by that. He didn’t even know why he said that.

Gerard looked up at him with a confused and partially angry look. “And?” He replied sharply.

“Just…” Frank started, hesitating and taking a deep breath before continuing. “Just please meet me at my apartment. I need to talk to you.”

There was a long moment of silence. Gerard just stared at Frank, obviously frustrated and confused. Frank just waited, hoping that he would give him the benefit of the fucking doubt. He had no idea what he was going to say to Gerard if he did get him to his apartment, he just needed him there. He needed to fucking try. He needed him around.

Finally, Gerard nodded and Frank let out a sigh of relief. Gerard didn’t say anything else, he just left. But Frank didn’t care, all he cared about was that he’d agreed to talk to him.


	6. Little Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Little brother finally let you out of the house?” Frank replied, lighting a cigarette.
> 
> “Mikey Way has no goddamn control over me.” Gerard said, reaching over and taking the cigarette out of Frank’s hands before he could even get a good drag. He took a drag of his own and Frank couldn’t help but grin at him.
> 
> “You should be careful, Gee, you’re starting to act like me.” He said, the grin still wide on his face. He collapsed back on his couch, reaching a hand out towards Gerard. 
> 
> Gerard sighed before speaking. “You wish, Frankie.” He said, then handed the cigarette back to Frank before settling down on the couch next to him. Frank took a drag without replying, just grinning at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware, more sex.

Frank had no fucking clue what he was going to say Gerard. That is if Gerard even decided to show up. He just knew that as long as he was going to stay alive for the time being, he’d prefer to have Gerard around. He just needed to somehow convince him to stick around. Which was what was running through his mind as he finally made it to his front door.

He wasn’t even sure that Gerard was going to be there. For all Frank knew, he’d just said fuck it and decided not to show. But when Frank opened his front door, he saw a familiar figure kneeling over his collection of records. And fuck, did that bring back memories.

Frank walked into his apartment, closing the door behind him. The sound of the closing door made Gerard look over his shoulder and then slowly turn and pull himself to his feet. Frank hesitated from across the room, unsure of what to say or even what to do next. It was his own apartment but he felt so fucking lost.

“Frank.” Gerard stated curtly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Gee, I….” Frank hesitated, taking a deep breath and running a hand through his hair. He had no fucking clue what to say. He didn’t know how to make it all better. He had no fucking idea whatsoever. So he just kept it simple. “I’m sorry.”

Gerard stayed silent for a while, just staring back at him. He had this angry look on his face, it never changed. It was the most frustrating thing Frank had experienced in a long time. He had no idea what the fuck the guy was thinking and he hated it. He had to bite his lip from screaming at him just to tell him what the fuck was going on in his mind.

“Sorry. You’re sorry.” Gerard said finally, showing no emotion in his voice or face. That just drove Frank even more crazy. He had nothing to go off of. He still had no idea what was going on in his head. They just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, Frank felt like he was going to explode.

“What do you want from me?” Frank finally said loudly, making Gerard’s eyes go wide in surprised. Finally, some fucking emotion from the guy.

“I don’t fucking know!” Gerard replied back, raising his voice to meet Frank’s. “I just…ugh, fuck, Frank. I don’t know how to ever act around you! You drive me fucking crazy. I can’t stop thinking about you, but I know that you don’t feel the same. And I know you have this insane fucking deathwish and that terrifies me. I’m always scared that you’re going to hurt yourself. Or that you’re going to fucking die. And I won’t be able to do anything about it.”

Frank stayed silent a bit before speaking. Once again unsure of what to say. “You aren’t supposed to fucking fix me. That isn’t your job. And it’s a goddamn impossible one. I can’t be fixed, Gerard.” 

Gerard let out a heavy sigh, looking down at the ground for a moment before bringing his gaze back up to Frank’s. His eyes were so sad and tired. “I know that, Frank. God knows how much I fucking know that you can’t be fixed. I know I can’t save you. And it fucking kills me! How am I supposed to just fucking sit here and watch you do this to yourself?!” He started out calm but by the end he was practically screaming at him.

Frank looked at him from across the room with desperate eyes. He had no idea how to fucking fix this situation. He just knew he needed Gerard. He needed Gerard right there. Frank didn’t care about anything else, he didn’t care about getting better or getting worse. He didn’t fucking care about anything. All he cared about was feeling Gerard against him.

He launched himself forward, reaching out a hand to grab onto Gerard’s waist and pull him against his own body. Their lips collided and Frank kissed him desperately. Gerard’s was hesitant at first, his lips staying completely still, but eventually he returned the kiss with just as much fervor. 

Frank didn’t waste time. He didn’t have time to waste in the first place. He instantly started pulling Gerard towards the bedroom, never breaking from his lips. At least not until they finally made it into the bedroom and he had to break away so they could start tearing each others clothes off.

It didn’t take long before they were both naked and laying on the bed together, kissing desperately again. Frank climbed on top of Gerard, running a hand down his chest and wrapping a hand around his dick. He started slowly stroking him and Gerard let out a desperate moan against his lips.

He didn’t wait long before slipping his hand off of Gerard, making him let out a frustrated noise. Frank grinned in reply, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, before reaching over in his night stand to grab a condom. He slipped it on quickly, grabbing lube after and slicking it onto himself. 

Frank leaned down, pressing another kiss to Gerard’s lips. He leaned back again, placing a hand on one of Gerard’s thighs to push his legs open. Then he was pushing himself inside of Gerard and they both moaned out together.

This time was so much different than all the other time they had been together. This was desperate, this was all Frank could fucking do to show Gerard how much he needed him around. Frank grasped tightly to Gerard’s hips as he moved fast and hard inside of him. Gerard was practically screaming out.

“Jesus fucking christ!” Gerard yelled out as Frank leaned forward, slamming himself hard into him. Frank found Gerard’s lips and kissed him again. There was a sense of urgency in these kisses, like they needed to happen.

Frank started moving faster and harder against him, moving a hand from Gerard’s hip to wrap around his dick. He slowly started stroking him as he moved faster inside him. Gerard let out a low moan, which just turned Frank on even more. 

“Fuck me.” Gerard moaned out. 

Frank couldn’t help but grin a bit in reply. “Kind of what I’m doing.” He panted out. His words barely came out coherently, but he honestly didn’t even care. He felt so fucking good.

He started stroking Gerard faster and started slamming into him more. They both moaned out together, Gerard practically yelling. Frank leaned forward, pressing their lips together and Gerard reached a hand onto his head, grabbing a handful of hair to keep their lips pressed together.

Gerard moaned frantically against his lips suddenly, obviously trying to speak but not making any sense. But Frank knew exactly what he was trying to say. He started moving his hips quicker, moving inside him faster. Their bodies both started shaking and then they were coming together, their lips finally separating at they both yelled out in release.

Frank slowed his pace, trying to catch his breath, before finally slowly pulling out. He pulled off the condom and collapsed next to Gerard, his heart beating fast and panting like a dog in the middle of summer. 

They stayed silent for a long time after that. Frank had no idea what to say, but he didn’t even really feel like he had to say anything. It wasn’t an angry silence, it wasn’t even an awkward one. It was more of a comfortable silence. Frank couldn’t stop thinking about how he was fucking finally laying next to Gerard again and how fucking good it felt.

“I know I can’t fix you Frank.” Gerard finally broke the silence in a quiet, almost broken voice. Frank looked over at him. His face looked just as sad as his voice sounded. “I know you can’t change how you feel. You can’t be suddenly happy. I know that.”

Frank just stayed silent for a while, watching him. “You make it better.” Frank finally said, surrendering information he never planned on telling Gerard and admitting it to himself in the process. “I’m not going to get better. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy and I’m always going to want to die. But you just make it better. You make the world a little less shitty.” He looked away from Gerard as he spoke, not wanting to meet his eyes.

Gerard was quiet for a long time. But he kept watching Frank, he could feel his eyes on him. Practically burning through his skin. “That’s all I needed to hear, Frank.” He finally said softly. Frank looked back up at him. Gerard let out a small smile and Frank returned it.

“Do you want a smoke?” Frank finally said, reaching over Gerard to grab his pack and lighter off of the nightstand. 

“Always.” Gerard replied.

Frank grinned and pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips before pulling out another one and handing it to Gerard. He took it from Frank, but grabbed onto his hand suddenly with a confused look on his face. 

Frank wasn’t sure what was so interesting about his hand, until he remembered that guy from the bridge had written his number on his hand earlier that day. He still wasn’t sure why that was so interesting to Gerard. Maybe he was jealous about Frank getting a number from another guy. He couldn’t help but grin to himself at that thought.

Gerard finally looked up at him as Frank lit his cigarette. “Frank, why do you have my brother’s phone number on your hand?” Gerard finally asked right as he took a drag.

Frank’s eyes grew wide and instantly started choking on the smoke he’d breathed in wrong. He just laid, coughing dramatically as Gerard stared at him. “Your what?” He finally let out.

“Mikey. He’s my fucking brother.”

**\-----------------20**

“I don’t fucking trust him, Gerard.” Frank heard Mikey’s voice clear from the other room. He wasn’t even fucking trying to be quiet as he yelled at Gerard. 

Frank had been forced to go to Gerard’s apartment with him. The second Mikey saw Frank and figured out who he actually was, he’d stormed off into another room. Gerard followed him after glancing at Frank with an apologetic look. Honestly, Frank couldn’t give a flying fuck as to whether the guy liked him or not. He wasn’t fucking Mikey. He didn’t even know the guy. Besides he was barely even dating Gerard, he didn’t need the brother’s fucking approval.

“You don’t even know him, Mikey.” Gerard replied, his voice was quiet, barely audible through the walls. 

“I know that he’s fucking toxic. He’s going to get you into trouble.” Mikey replied angrily. Frank let out a heavy sigh, wishing he could just fucking leave. He knew he’d never hear the end of it though, so instead he lit a cigarette and started looking curiously around the apartment he was in. 

Gerard’s apartment wasn’t shitty like Frank’s. It was messy but it didn’t reek of cigarette smoke. It was actually pretty nice. There was giant shelves full of music, a lot of good fucking music too. In one corner of the room was a desk, it was covered in pages and pages of drawings. They looked pretty good too. He got up from the couch he’d been sitting at and walked over to the desk so he could get a closer look. Gerard’s name was on all of them. 

The guy was fucking talented as shit and Frank had no goddamn clue. He couldn’t help but feel a little angry that he didn’t know about it. But then again, Frank had never really asked Gerard about his life. He realized that he didn’t really know much about the guy. He looked around the rest of the desk, there were post its fucking every where, most of them making no goddamn sense. 

There was a pack of cigarettes sitting in the corner, he couldn’t help from smiling a bit at seeing them. He picked it up as he finished his own cigarette, noticing there was a post it stuck to the pack. For Frank, was written out in Gerard’s handwriting. Frank set the pack back down and pulled out his own, opening it and noticing that he was getting low. That fucker always knew when he was getting low.

“He was doing what?” Frank suddenly heard Gerard’s voice, much louder and terrified. Suddenly the door to the room they’d been in opened and Gerard rushed out towards Frank with a worried look on his face. He just stared at him for a while with that look. It grated at Frank’s skin, he hated that fucking look.

“What the fuck is it?” Frank grumbled out, glancing over at Mikey who was glaring at him from across the room. 

Gerard was silent for a few moments longer, never breaking his gaze at Frank. “You were trying to kill yourself when you met Mikey?” He finally said in a broken voice.

Frank was instantly annoyed. That was nobody’s goddamn business. He didn’t care if Mikey was Gerard’s brother, he had no right telling him about what had happened on the bridge. The fucking guy wasn’t even supposed to be there. Frank should even be having this conversation. 

“Does that really fucking surprise you?” Frank snapped, pausing to look between the two of them with an angry look. He met eyes with Gerard. “I told you I have a fucking expiration point. It’s just a matter of time. And that is none of you or your brother’s goddamn business.”

Gerard didn’t say anything for a long time, his eyes filling that look of pity that drove Frank so goddamn crazy. It made him want to break something. When Gerard finally spoke, his voice was soft and broken. “Frank…” He started.

But Frank didn’t let him finish. “Don’t even start with me, Gerard. You knew what you were fucking getting yourself into. It’s not like I’ve been hiding anything. I told you from the beginning that I knew I was going to die. Don’t start acting like this is brand new information.” And with that he stormed out the front door, slamming it behind him. 

His head was fucking swimming with awful thoughts and he had to breathe for a second, so he leaned up against their closed door. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Instantly he regretted his location choice to take a breath because he heard Mikey speak again through the door.

“I told you, Gee, he’s fucking toxic. Getting involved with him will only cause you pain.” He said, this time he spoke calmly.

“I’m already involved with him, Mikey. You don’t know him like I do.” Gerard replied quietly. Frank found himself pressing his ear up against the door so he could hear his next words. “He’s a good guy. No one deserves to feel like that. No one deserves to hate themselves so much they want to die. I need to help him. I can’t leave him. I can’t.” 

Frank took another deep breath. He wanted to walk back into the apartment. He wanted to give Gerard everything he wanted. He wanted to be happy for him. He wanted to be the guy that he deserved. But he wasn’t. And he couldn’t ever be. So Frank just left.

**\------------------21**

Two days later Frank was opening his door to find Gerard with a determined look on his face. Frank just stayed quiet, not exactly sure what the fuck he should expect to happen next. Gerard just stared back at him for a few moments before brushing past him without saying a word. Frank closed the door behind him and turned to face him.

“Little brother finally let you out of the house?” Frank replied, lighting a cigarette.

“Mikey Way has no goddamn control over me.” Gerard said, reaching over and taking the cigarette out of Frank’s hands before he could even get a good drag. He took a drag of his own and Frank couldn’t help but grin at him.

“You should be careful, Gee, you’re starting to act like me.” He said, the grin still wide on his face. He collapsed back on his couch, reaching a hand out towards Gerard. 

Gerard sighed before speaking. “You wish, Frankie.” He said, then handed the cigarette back to Frank before settling down on the couch next to him. Frank took a drag without replying, just grinning at him.

They didn’t really do much for the rest of the day. Eventually Frank had decided to turn on the tv so that it wasn’t so fucking silent in the apartment and also to avoid Gerard bringing up the whole bridge event. Frank knew it was going to come up eventually, but he didn’t want to fucking talk about it so he was going to try his damndest to postpone that conversation as long as he possibly could. They watched some stupid cop show that Frank didn’t care one flying fuck about, but Gerard seemed to like it and even screamed a few times at the television. Almost gave Frank a heart attack when he started screaming. Thought he was fucking dying for second.

“You guys are fucking morons if you think that’s the murderer! He’s so obviously being framed you dumb shits!” Gerard screamed at the television for the fifth goddamn time that night. Frank had stopped practically jumping out of his seat every time he started to yell, but he couldn’t lie, his heart skipped a little bit. The guy was fucking intense about his cop shows.

Finally, the episode that was on ended and Gerard just silently reached for the remote and turned the television off. He turned to face Frank. And Frank just wished and prayed that something, anything, would happen so that he wouldn’t have to have this fucking conversation with Gerard. But, obviously, that was a hopeless cause and Gerard started speaking either way.

“So…” Gerard started in a calm voice, staring at Frank with that annoying pity filled look. “You were going to kill yourself?”

Frank didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to fucking talking about it. He obviously hadn’t killed himself, it hadn’t worked. Otherwise he’d be dead and far away and he’d definitely would not be stuck in this apartment having this stupid conversation. He just dropped his head back on the couch, closing his eyes. Maybe if he just ignored him, he would just magically fucking go away.

But Gerard still pressed on. “Frank.” He said, pushing. Frank let out a soft sigh, but still didn’t say anything. “Frank, please talk to me. Please.”

Frank stayed quiet for a while, but eventually he just got fucking tired of feeling Gerard’s gaze burn through his skin. So he finally spoke. “I already told you the other day. You knew what you were getting into, Gerard.” He spoke calmly and carefully, lifting his head but not looking at him or even opening his eyes. He felt Gerard’s hand touch his, but he pulled it away quickly. 

Gerard let out a deep sigh, staying silent for a while. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and sad. “I care about you, Frank. More than I thought I would. I just wish you didn’t have to feel like this. I wish you didn’t want to die.”

Frank opened his eyes at that and looked over at him. His head was down and he was looking at his hands. He looked sad. “That’s life.” Frank said and shrugged. “You don’t always get what you wish for.”

Gerard looked up at him, his eyes were red. He just stayed quiet for a bit, not saying anything, just staring at Frank. Finally, he stood up, pausing before speaking. “That’s total bullshit and you know it, Frank.” And then he left, leaving Frank to sit alone in his empty apartment. Again.


	7. Old Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is not a hard thing, babe.” Frank patted the pavement next to him. “Come on down here, beautiful.”
> 
> Gerard’s face went more towards the anger portion of the emotion spectrum and he let out a frustrated sigh before speaking. “Do you really think you’re going to do this to me again?”
> 
> Frank raised an eyebrow. “Again?”
> 
> Gerard sighed. “Yes, again. I will not relive almost getting run over by a moving vehicle. Such as a train or in this case, a car.” He said, crossing his arms across his chest.
> 
> “For fuck’s sake, get down here.” Frank said, leaning forward on one arm as he stared up at Gerard. He still didn’t move, just stared back down at him. “Gerard, look around, there are no cars. We are not going to get run over by a car. I promise.”

Frank knew exactly what Gerard was trying to do the second the sun started to set. They were out in some field watching it go down. Gerard had shown up at Frank’s house after almost a week of no seeing him, no calling him, no texting him, nothing. It had practically driven Frank mad. 

He had continued on with his life during Gerard’s absence as usual, of course. Went to work, came home, had some cigarettes, acted like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t being totally ignored by the only person he even remotely cared about. But Frank couldn’t lie to himself nearly as well as he could to others. So when Gerard had shown at his door with that stupid, adorable lopsided grin of his, Frank was actually happy and relieved to see him.

That is, until he had dragged him to some random ass field with no explanation. He wasn’t a fan of being on the other side of this shit. Usually he was the one dragging Gerard to random places. Eventually they had ended up on a blanket, on a hill, freezing their fucking asses off, and cuddling of all things. For a moment he almost thought Gerard had dragged him out there just to get him back for the whole train thing.

But the second that sun started to set and different shades of pink and orange shot across the sky, Frank knew. He knew exactly what Gerard was trying to do.

“This isn’t going to work, you know.” Frank finally spoke out softly. He was craving a cigarette at this point. He’d grabbed the one jacket without a pack in the pocket, of course.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Frankie.” Gerard replied back without looking away from the sunset. There was a hint of sadness in his voice, which made Frank hesitate in replying.

“You can’t save me, Gee. You can’t show me the beauty in the world or what the fuck ever and magically heal me. It doesn’t work that way.” Frank replied curtly, moving his hand which had been wrapped around Gerard’s waist to cross both his arms in front of himself. “I can’t be saved.”

Gerard looked over at him, meeting his eyes. He didn’t say anything for a while, just kept his eyes focused at Frank with an odd look in his eye. “It can’t hurt to try.” He finally said, his voice barely a whisper.

Frank just stared back at him for a long time, not really sure how to reply. But Gerard looked away before he could even try to think of a reply. Frank didn’t do anything for while after that, he barely even breathed. He didn’t know if he even wanted to do anything, but he knew he had to. He reached over and touched Gerard’s hand. That made Gerard turn back towards him. First to look at their hands and then to look up at Frank. His lips curled up at the ends, and Frank smiled back.

“It’s beautiful, Gee.” Frank said, breaking his gaze from Gerard to look over at the setting sun. 

It really was beautiful, he had to admit. But it wasn’t life changing, not the way Gerard obviously wanted it to be. It was just a sunset. An everyday occurrence. Frank wished he could see the world that Gerard saw. Bright and full of hope. He would give anything to see things through his eyes. But all he saw was a dark world, full of hate and pain. It was deafening. A world that made it hurt just to breathe. But then again, maybe that was just from the cigarettes.

They sat quietly for a long time, just watching. Even after the sun was gone and the sky had gone from being filled with bright oranges and pinks to a calming mix of blues, they still sat silently. It was one of those silences that was comfortable, not awkward. Frank liked those silences.

Eventually Gerard spoke, barely even loud enough for Frank to hear. “Do you ever talk to your parents, Frank?”

Frank raised an eyebrow and looked over at him, but Gerard wasn’t facing him. His head was down, his eyes were focused on his hands which held a blade of grass that he was twisting around in his hand. The only light left was the moon which practically made Gerard glow. He looked like a fucking angel or some shit.

Frank let out a sigh. “No, I don’t.”

Gerard glanced up at him quickly before looking back down at the grass in his hands. He was just moving it around in his hands, but his hands shook, like he was nervous. “Why not?”

Frank hesitated a bit, not really sure if he wanted to start this conversation. “They’re dead.” He didn’t meet Gerard’s eyes this time when he looked up. He could feel Gerard’s concern. It was practically oozing off the guy.

“I’m so sorry, Frank.” Gerard touched Frank’s hand and he had to resist the urge not to pull away from the gesture. “How…how did it happen?”

“Father was a shithead. Spent most of the time drunk. Gave me more bruises than hugs, asshole. Left when I was ten. I don’t know where he went, didn’t really care. Heard he died. Stepped in front of a bus. Suits him right.” Frank let out a dark laugh. He really fucking missed his cigarettes right now. “A few years after he skipped town, mom got cancer. I was ten. She died two years later. That’s when I picked up smoking.”

“You started smoking when you were twelve?” Frank glanced over at Gerard, immediately wishing that he hadn’t. His face was a mix of surprise and pity. 

Frank didn’t reply, just looked up at the moon. He could feel Gerard watching him for a while. He had to bite down on his tongue to keep himself from getting angry about the staring. After a few minutes of silence, he suddenly felt Gerard’s hand slipping into his and intertwining their fingers. Frank felt the pressure of Gerard’s head on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, neither of them did. But Frank didn’t feel like they had to. It was nice to sit in silence and just look up at the stars with him.

It was almost better than nicotine. 

“Oh, here.” Gerard said suddenly, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and dropping them on Frank’s lap. “Thought you might need some.” Frank’s heart skipped a beat, he was speechless.

**\---------------------23**

“So does Mikey hate my guts now, or what?” Frank said on the walk back to his apartment. He had no idea what time it was, but he knew it was late. They were completely alone in the city; there weren’t even any cars on the road. Frank had his arm around Gerard’s waist as they walked.

Gerard laughed, it echoed across the buildings. “He doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he particularly likes you or plans on buying you matching friendship bracelets or anything, but he doesn’t hate you.”

Frank grinned. “Oh good, it was just keeping me up at night.” He said sarcastically and Gerard rolled his eyes in reply.

They walked in silence for a few minutes more, the only sound being the breeze against the trees and the sound of their shoes scraping against the pavement. They came to a small intersection that was completely deserted and Frank came to a stop.

“Frank? What are you doing?” Gerard asked confused, furrowing his brow when Frank removed his arm from around his waist to walk to the middle of the intersection. 

“Come here, Gee.” Frank said, turning to grin at him before dropping to lie on the ground. He lay there for a few minutes, not hearing any movement, before turning his head to look up at him. Gerard’s face was a mix of emotions ranging from worry and confusion to frustration and anger. 

“This is not a hard thing, babe.” Frank patted the pavement next to him. “Come on down here, beautiful.”

Gerard’s face went more towards the anger portion of the emotion spectrum and he let out a frustrated sigh before speaking. “Do you really think you’re going to do this to me again?”

Frank raised an eyebrow. “Again?”

Gerard sighed. “Yes, again. I will not relive almost getting run over by a moving vehicle. Such as a train or in this case, a car.” He said, crossing his arms across his chest.

“For fuck’s sake, get down here.” Frank said, leaning forward on one arm as he stared up at Gerard. He still didn’t move, just stared back down at him. “Gerard, look around, there are no cars. We are not going to get run over by a car. I promise.”

He hesitated for a moment but eventually let out a loud huff and walked over to Frank and laid down next to him. He didn’t say anything and Frank just grinned down at him. Gerard stayed silent, obviously trying to ignore him. He had an adorable annoyed look on his face that was making it really hard to keep the grin off his face. 

“Is there something I can do for you?” Gerard finally said with an annoyed tone. Frank laughed and leaned over, giving him a quick kiss before lying back down. They both stayed silent for a while, just looking up at the sky. The stars were particularly bright tonight. 

“You know what this reminds me of?” Gerard said quietly.

“Hmm…” Frank said in a thoughtful tone. “The Notebook?”

Gerard laughed shortly. “Right, like you’ve seen the The Notebook.”

“Of course I have. Whatshername is hot.” Frank said, glancing over at him.

“What, so you’re into girls now?” Gerard replied, meeting eyes with him.

Frank raised an eyebrow before breaking the gaze and looking back up at the sky. “Who the fuck ever said that I wasn’t before?” He glanced back over.

Gerard raised an eyebrow. He looked confused, to say the least. “Uhh..” He hesitated a bit before continuing. “Well, one example comes to mind.” He gestured to himself.

Frank looked away and back up to the sky again. “Bisexuality is the key to happiness, my friend.”

Gerard let out a short laugh, turning his gaze to the stars as well. “Right, cause you’re just the happiest motherfucker around.”

“I never said it was a perfect philosophy.” Frank replied, laughing a bit in reply.

Gerard laughed in reply, keeping his eyes on the stars. They stayed that way for a while except for the occasional glance that Frank would throw his way. It was so nice outside, it was so peaceful. For the first time in a very long time, Frank felt calm. He almost felt happy. But that was a long shot. After a while he suddenly felt Gerard intertwine their fingers, giving Frank’s hand a quick squeeze. Frank squeezed back, trying not to smile too noticeably.

“Now isn’t this worth living for, Frankie?” Gerard said softly, glancing a look at him. Frank just smiled back at him before looking back to the sky. 

Frank wished he could see the world like Gerard saw it. Bright and full of hope. He would give anything to be able to see things through his eyes. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t see what Gerard saw. All he saw was a dark world full of hate and pain. It was deafening. Gerard was a shining light in all the darkness that surrounded him, attempting to suffocate him.

“I know I can’t save you.” Gerard suddenly said seriously, bringing Frank out of his pit of dark thoughts.

“What’s that, Gee?” Frank said, turning to rest himself up on one of his arms.

Gerard glanced up at him quickly before looking away. “I know I can’t save you, Frank.” He spoke in a quiet voice, sounding a bit sad. “But I can’t just sit here and watch you do this to yourself.”

“Gerard…” Frank started, but he was cut off by Gerard.

“You might not believe in love.” Gerard’s voice raising a bit. “But I can’t fucking get myself out of it. I can’t help how I feel. So you’re just going to have to deal with me trying to help. Because I refuse to not do anything. I can’t do that.” He let out a sigh when he was finished. He looked over at Frank for just a moment before looking back up to the stars.

Frank smiled small, not even sure of how to react. He knew it was a hopeless cause, but he couldn’t help to feel a bit of happiness that Gerard wasn’t planning on just ditching him. He leaned over and kissed Gerard’s forehead. “Okay, Gee.” He said and laid back down. 

**\---------------------------24**

After twenty more minutes of laying in silence in the middle of the street, Gerard started getting antsy and wouldn’t stop complaining about how cold the fucking street was. Eventually Frank just gave in and they headed back to his apartment. 

As they walked up the stairs and rounded the corner towards his apartment, Frank had a sudden gut wrenching feeling that something just wasn’t right. They made it to his door to see that it was open. Frank took a deep breath and felt Gerard’s grip on his hand get tighter as his pushed the door open.

It was practically pitch black, but he could see some of his things strewn all over the place. It looked like a fucking mess. Frank heard a noise coming from the other side of the living room as they made their way further into his apartment. He instinctively pushed Gerard a bit behind him in protection. 

“Oh my god.” Gerard said softly behind him. Frank reached over to turn on the lamp next to him. The dim light cast a glow against a hooded guy rummaging through Frank’s vinyl’s. Next to him was a giant duffel bag, which he assumed was full of his stuff that this guy was fucking stealing.

“What the fuck are you doing in my apartment?” Frank called out angrily. The guy’s hands paused on a Misfits album. Frank swore to God if that guy stole his misfits album, he was going to fucking kill him. But the guy stood up, letting go of the album, and slowly turning to face them. That’s when Frank recognized the face. “Pete??? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Frankie!!!” Pete exclaimed back practically running across the room to pull Frank into a large hug. “I’m here to visit you, why the fuck else would I be here?” He grinned widely at him.

“Know how to shut a fucking door, asshole? I thought someone had broken in!” Frank grinned widely back at him, suddenly feeling Gerard’s grip on his hand loosen a bit.

“Eh, whatever, you’ll get over it.” Pete replied grinning. “Now who’s this kid behind you?”

“Gerard.” Gerard slipped his hand out of Frank’s to hold out to shake Pete’s hand. Of course, Pete doesn’t fucking shake hands and gave him an obnoxious high five before collapsing onto Frank’s couch. 

Frank turned to face a confused and slightly concerned looking Gerard. “Gee, Pete was a guy that I met in the hospital when I was a kid. Both our mom’s had cancer.” He pulled Gerard with him down with him onto the couch next to Pete.

“Ohh…I’m sorry.” Gerard said, glancing over at Pete.

Pete waved a dismissive hand at him. “Those are old wounds, man. I’m just glad to see my man Frank finally shacked up with someone.” He grinned and patted Frank on the shoulder before looking back at Gerard. “Hope you’ve gotten him off of cigarettes! Though from the smell of this place, I doubt it.”

“I don’t think anyone could make him give up his cigarettes.” Gerard replied, giving Frank a small smile. Frank just rolled his eyes in reply to both of them.

“I like my cigarettes, so fucking what.” He replied, grouchily. 

“Those things are fucking toxic, man.” Pete replied, shaking his head at him.

Frank turned to him, raising an eyebrow at him. “Why the fuck do you think I smoke them?”

Pete’s smiled faltered, his eyes stayed on Frank, drenched in sadness. Frank didn’t even have to seen Gerard to know that he was giving him the same fucking sad, pity filled look that he fucking despised. He didn’t need to be fucking pitied. Especially by these two. Frank took up suddenly, without a word and headed towards the bedroom. Right before he got to his door, he turned to look at them on the couch, they both still had that look on their face. Just now there was a hint of surprise in it.

“I’m fucking exhausted. You coming to bed, Gee?” Frank said gesturing to him from across the room.

Gerard hesitated, then shook his head a bit. “I’ll be in there in a bit; I think I’m going to stay up just a bit longer.” He said, glancing over at Pete. 

Frank waited a moment, just staring at Gerard with a frustrated look. After a few moments though, he gave up and turned to go into the bedroom with a short huff. He pulled off his jeans and shirt and crawled into bed, trying not listen to the two of them talking out in the living room. Of course he failed. Not to mention those two idiots weren’t even trying to hide what they were saying, he could hear every word clear as a bell.

“No offense,” Frank heard Gerard speak, “but you seem like…exactly the opposite as Frank.”

Pete laughed shortly in reply. “Yeah, we both went through the same thing as kids, but in the lot of life, our Frankie got the short end of the stick. Didn’t cope well with losing his mom, hit him hard. He was already a pretty sad fucking kid in the first place.” He paused for a moment, when he spoke again his voice was rougher. “But his mom’s death, well that put him in a darkness that no amount of cigarettes will ever help him out of. Only wish he’d understand that.”

“You care about him a lot, don’t you?” Gerard replied, his voice getting quieter.

“The guy’s my brother. He’s my family.” Pete replied.

“I care about him too. I want to help him.” Gerard said.

“I’ve been trying to for so long, some part of me worries that no one can help him.” Pete said, his voice breaking.

Frank couldn’t listen to them anymore. He pulled his pillow over his head, trying to block out any sound he could. He stubbornly ignored everything they said after that until he finally fell asleep. He woke up to Gerard climbing into the bed next to him a few hours later, but he didn’t open his eyes. He knew Gerard would want to talk to him about his conversation with Pete, so he acted like he was still sleeping. He felt Gerard press his lips against his forehead before rolling over to go to sleep.


End file.
